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the Badfly
St. John’s College
Annapolis, Maryland
THE EVIL ISSUE
April 24, 2023
Vol. XLIV, Issue 9
Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest
it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it
intends to criticize... or something I guess
whatever who cares.
�Contents
Κακά
Berating Enemies
Constant Incontinence
Our Johnnies, Fair Johnnie
Puzzles? You gotta figure it out
You Absolutely Gotta Hand it to 'Em
Finds from the Internet Pt. 1
From the Globe Theatre
Lit Crit
An Address from a Harrowed Seeker
"Grandiloquence"
Language Games
Finds from the InterWEB Pt. 2
Misandry Exposed
Sheba Gets a LinkedIn
Finds from the Archives
Phèdre Translumination
The Badfly
Letter from the Editor
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23
O
h my god if I have to spend one more minute procrastinating
putting this issue together I’ll freaking explode. THIS IS THE
BADFLY. It’s like the Gadfly but not good. Wait no. It’s like the Gadfly
but evil. Like if Mario would read the Gadfly, then Wario would be a
Badfly guy. It’s like good and evil, God and Satan, heaven and hell. So,
anyways then, welcome to hell. If you cretins want there to be a more
robust, informative, and respectable Letter from the Editor, then you’re
missing the point which, I mean, of course you would. Shut your trap,
strap in and shut off that really loud part of your brain that’s so constantly self-centered and insecure and anxious. Just for fifteen minutes at least,
allow yourself a minute away from having to be you and give yourself
some freedom from Freeing your Mind.
Imbibe in some good old fashioned it’ll-melt-your-heart and warmyour-soul satire, it’s good for you. If you can’t even do that, then you
shouldn’t even be at, you shouldn't go here, I-i-i, you shouldn't study philosophy at all and should probably be at comedy school, learning how to
laugh and about being funny in general. Maybe then you’ll actually start
doing the goddamn readings. To leave you with one final thought before
I explode, Energeia should really doing an evil issue like we do. It’s such
a good idea that I decided to mock up what a Badfly-esque turn for our
school’s lit mag might possibly look like, totally free of charge of course.
Anwyas, gotta go. Get bent! Never stop partying! And if you haven’t
already this week, call your mom she’d love to hear your voice!
–Daniel Nathan, Editor-in-chief
Staff
Editor in Chief
Managing Editor
Daniel Nathan
Luke Briner
Meliha Anthony
Dolan Polglaze
Jenna Lee
Bennett Scott
Helen Wagner
El'ad Nichols-Kaufman
LAYOUT
Bridget Mace
EVERYTHING ELSe... who's to say?
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the Badfly
A Guide to Being a Great Small
College Gossip
Do you, a student of a small liberal arts college, find the
existential torments of philosophy passé? Does the dread
of life outside this entirely unrealistic bubble leave you
cold? Have you stopped being impressed by what dozens
of white men have died for? My dear, I have a solution to
your woes: small college gossip (SCG). Do it loudly, do it
everywhere, but most of all do it well.
The mathematics of SCG are an exercise in human
madness. In theory, a larger school ought to have more
events and therefore more things to gossip about, but
woe to the disbeliever when I say: SCG is exponentially
more common, more potent, and more strange. What’s
more, everyone knows everything about everyone (you
can go an entire year at a school of 3500 not knowing you
have caused bitter divides amongst your classmates; you
cannot go a day at a school of 350 without knowing your
classmate’s opinion on your lunch (passable this time,
though everything you eat seems to be brown)). Rather
than label this social environment a cesspool, take it as an
opportunity. Here’s how:
Startling: All SCG should be personally, ethically,
and maybe even ontologically startling: every phrase
should strike the listener into a state of disbelief so intense
that they begin to doubt their religion. (It’s all about those
marked nouns: Yeezy, Jeffery Dahmer, dead-man’s-kiss.
My ears should be tingling)
Violent: Hearing that two people broke up is boring
(WASPs come and go!); hearing that a person was
defenestrated from the third floor of a dorm during a
breakup is gold (look at Molly go!).
Common: The great benefit of a small school is that
everyone is forced to know each other on sight; abuse this
by making every single aspect of your stories something
everyone has in common: teachers, locations, boyfriends.
(An orgy becomes far more relevant when it happened on
my favorite table in the dining hall.)
Public: All your classmates, teachers, even the person
you’re gossiping about is bound to hear what you said,
so why not stand in front of the largest lecture you can
find and clearly state that Ms. Thoroughgling’s fursona
was seen selling LSD to the president of HEDCAT
April 24th, 2023
(Historical European Dancing Club with Added Techno)
at a swinger’s event last week.
Respectful: Remember, gossip is like having a
roommate: respect for everyone involved is in the rules
and those rules are meant to be shattered by inviting 17
people over to do lines off of the windowsills.
Putting it all together, let me provide you, my lovely
reader, an example of pure SCG: Did you know the person
who signs their articles B.S. (what an asshole move, as if
we all know your initials) drank so much scotch during
class (McDowell 24) last week that he stood up, smacked
one of his classmates, and promptly declared himself king
of the newly freed nation state of Middle-Scotland (he
pissed himself shortly thereafter)?
Take it and run, you little demons with tote bags.
Your gossip girl,
B.S.
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
The Yellow Pages?
Freshmen Class Suspected of Committing Vile Acts
with Program Texts
The freshman are wildin’ out. Water-damaged copies of
program books have been turning up around campus with
similar yellow staining on the pages and an all too familiar
raunchy smell. At first, it was only one or two books here
and there turning up in this mysterious condition. But
then the floodgates opened. A Euclid or two, acrid copies
of Thucydides, and an assortment of dialogues by Plato;
all covered in piss and smelling like yellow death. When
Aristotle’s Politics came around, the freshman reacted with
vigor…and urine. No one knows for sure how the tradition
got its feet off the ground, but the freshman have been
pissing on their books like nobody’s business, and it does
not seem like they will be stopping anytime soon. Taylor
Waters had this to say: “I get it. Some program authors said
some things that audiences of today find upsetting. But just
because Aristotle was a huge slavery guy that doesn’t mean
it’s right to check out every copy of Politics from the library,
urinate all over them, and then return them. Even though
they eventually dry out, we’re still stuck with the issue of
the smell.”
A Comedy Joke for Laughing Purposes Targeting Students at
St. John's College, a Liberal Arts College in Annapolis, Maryland
What’s the difference between a Johnnie and a block of dry ice?
Dry ice is cool when it smokes.
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
Our Johnnies, Fair Johnnie, Ever Beaten Down
I love the brick everywhere
I love the history in the air
I love how everyone is kind
Kind of delusional and kind of blind
Blind to how kind of delusional we all are
I love the rampant delusion the most by far
I love how our school is like a polity
Nay not a polity
A city for Our name not substance
A place to stand and babel as we will
The housing filled with mold and rats
Drug addicts and cheap virtue bought by brats
I also love these young great minds
I just love how they think
They think they are great
I love how these great minds tend towards hate
In the name of a sympathy: sick, serpentine
I love how much we love to agree in each debate
I love how saying this makes many a reader’s eyes roll
I love how kind hearted but cutting truth means less than
honeycombed placating words
I love how freed minds can entrap their own soul
I love how all the nihilism, hedonism, dogmatism,
generalism is taking its toll
I love how freeing minds from reality was never the goal
I love how when two do disagree
I love how they go round and round
I love how we love how our voices sound
It’s akin to beauty reflected in a pool
Although anymore I’m not so sure there is much beauty left
in this our school
I love how two can take differing sides
I love how those sides are defended well and strong
How the debate can be so tediously long
How so many flowery words are said on both sides
How both sides can happen to be so wrong
I love how useless we all are
I love how so many of us will go so far
I love how going far relates to relative accounts
I love how little to many our education amounts
I love that some will sweat and toil
I love how some little shits were just planted in richer soil
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
Seminar Quotes Mix and Match
By ANNA MARGULIES
Can you guess which quote goes with which seminar text? Using the list of texts down below, match the quote with the
freshman reading!
1. “They’ve got training and muscles and that’s all that they can trust.”
2. “It’s not like he’d drive him to the airport…that’s true love.”
3. “Owning a bird is kind of a collaborative art."
4. “They actually tried that in the Soviet Union. It didn’t work.”
5. “Socrates would’ve loved Full House”
6. “ If he does anal it’ll be to all their benefits.”
7. “Killing an entire civilization is a bad use of resources.”
8. “Polyamourous or whatever his name is”
9. “It could is but not be.”
10. “Lindsey Lohan’s dream was to be mentioned in our seminar.”
11. “There’s a fair number of imbeciles here.”
12. “I’d rather be a good bath-man than a poor busser.”
13. “Socrates lives the philosophical life–he doesn’t get involved in politics
and he doesn’t care about his family.”
14. “Stop reading and maybe start actually doing things.”
15. “Did you just say murder is wrong? Do you have a citation for that?”
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
_______________________
<<<
The Republic The Peloponnesian War
Clouds Parmenides
Apology Theaetetus
Phaedo Sophist
Oedipus Tyrannus and Oedipus at Colonus
Nicomachean Ethics
Medea The Symposium
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
The Class of 2023’s Magical Four Year Dry Spell
Here’s a hearty congratulations to the Senior class of
2023. Four crazy years have passed by, and after making it
through unprecedented times with some unprecedented
interruptions to boot, none of y’all have ever had sex. This is
quite the achievement and every member of the graduating
class should feel proud that they could do their part in
securing this towering achievement. Weird how 90% of
the class of 2023 is bisexual yet no one can really know
for sure. How did they manage this triumph? Was their
ability to completely avoid any sex relationship for four
year based on something like fear? Watched anime? Found
r/asexual? Found Jesus? Or was it some soul-shattering
internal pathos? Or SSRIs lowering the libido? Or was it
just simply by having absolutely no game at all? Exactly
what made this accomplishment possible is really anyone’s
guess, but one cannot help but feel pride in this St. John’s
class and their sexual incompetence and inadequacies. The
current freshman, sophomore, and junior classes can only
sit in stargazing awe and hope to one day be so lucky as
to scale heights and taste a victory as sweet as this. So far
though, the Junior class does seem to still be going strong
in their involuntary celibacy with only one more year to
go left at St. John’s. It can’t be counted short of miraculous
that the entire graduating class will be sent off, whether it
be to grad school or to their parents' basements, pure and
chaste. Here are some surefire tips for avoiding sex so you
TOO can feel like you’re a part of the class of 2023: Tell
your crush your favorite Jewish joke, argue with them about
your favorite Catholic theologians no matter how little
they care, sprint everywhere you go on campus, interrupt
any woman who attempts to speak in seminar, expound
upon the virtues of the “motion of the ocean, not the size of
the boat,” challenge people to rap battles in the dining hall,
cry publicly and violently, get a girlfriend or boyfriend, be
pro-life, be yourself.
7
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Selections from
SJC Twitter Pt. 1
8
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
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whorescope
whorescope
aries:
this is your month to be a slut
taurus
believe it or not, slut.
gemini:
slut. what else.
cancer
sluuuuuuut
leo
slut
virgo
sllut
libra
slut
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
Bobby Shmurda
at the Globe Theatre:
A Shakespearean Translation
of a Trap House Classic
And Truey on some hot n****
Liketh I talketh to Shyste at which hour I did shoot n****s
Liketh thee seen him twirl, then that gent dropeth, n****
And we keepeth those 9 millimet'rs on mine own block, n****
xAnd Trigg’r that gent beest wilding, that gent some hot n****
Tones known to beest busy with those glocks n****
tryeth to runneth down and thee can catcheth a shot n****
Dashing through these wages til i passeth out
and sh'rty giveth me neck ‘til i passeth out
I prithee, god, all i doth do is cash out
and if 't be true thee ain't a ho
receiveth up out mine own trapeth house
scorpuo.
youll be surprised by this but, you know what never mind.
dlut.
sagittsrius
virgin. and youll always be.
capticorn
wrong number
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the Badfly
A Straussian
Esoteric Reading
of Daniel Pinkwater’s
Snarkout Boys
An Essay Reconstructed from the Memory of
El’ad Nichols-Kaufman
I suppose I ought to explain how I came into possession of
this essay fragment. It’s the kind of story that really could
make an essay by itself, although not the sort of scholarly
essay suitable for the Gadfly, more the kind that middleaged women would get on email lists they sign up to after
hearing the writer interviewed by Scott Simon on NPR,
and then chuckle lightly as they read the writer’s amusing
anecdotes about life, in an acceptable, middle class manner.
Anyway, this is not the essay about how I received the essay
you are reading, but rather the introduction to said essay, so
I will proceed.
I was sitting in the Gadfly office one day, eating a banana,
when the strange man entered the room. I suppose I ought
to explain: I often eat bananas when I am suffering from
writer's block. Really, any fruit will do, but there’s something
special about bananas, perhaps it is the color. Anyhow, I was
sitting there, eating my banana, when a very short, strange
man walked into the room, wearing a long trench coat and a
hat pulled down over his face, and he smelled rather funny.
This was not the strange thing about him; this is St. John’s,
after all, and that description can fit about a third of the
men on campus. What was strange was his voice, once he
opened his mouth. It was high pitched, rough and strained,
almost like the voice of a rat who happened to be a retired
mezzo-soprano for the Hoboken Light Opera Company,
but had since taken up smoking and had just been startled
by a particularly quiet hairless cat.
“Read this,” he squealed, “It’s for the GADFLY.” You
could hear the capitals in his voice. He tossed on to my desk
a typewritten manuscript, which began thus:
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April 24th, 2023
An Esoteric Reading of Daniel
Pinkwater’s “Snarkout Boys”
By R.G.
Daniel Pinkwater, like most
of the great philosophers of his
time, was constrained by societal
pressures of his age. Indeed, the
heavy persecution of philosophy
that lay under the currents of
the social movements of the XXth
century prevented him from sharing
his profound thoughts with the
wider world in the way his position
as a Great Mind would best transmit
truth to the widest number of
people. Rather, he wisely chose to
hide the true meaning of his works
between the lines of his so-called
“fiction,” providing the truth to
those who are able to examine the
intricate webs of absurdities and
contradictions
he
constructed.
Indeed, an esoteric reading, if we
may call this sort of examination
thus, is the only possible accurate
reading of the text, and the only
way we can deduce the Truth hidden
within his “novels.”
In no place is this more evident
than his 1983 magnum opus “The
Snarkout Boys and the Avocado
of Death,” truly a Great Book
deserving of wider recognition.
Many scholars have interpreted
in the typically modern way,
reading the external meaning and
claiming through their dangerously
progressive
and
historicist
arguments that it appears to
be a text encouraging juvenile
delinquency,and highlighting the
apparently largely chaotic and
unordered nature of the universe
from the perspective of disaffected
youth. However, a closer examination
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the Badfly
of even just the opening lines
reveals a fundamentally different
interpretation that is closer to
the Truth that most of the Moderns
have missed.
The very first sentence features
Pinkwater’s
political
and
educational tone. He writes “I
thought that going to high school
was going to be a big improvement
over what I was used to. It turned
out to be the opposite.” If viewed
from the lens of commentary on
liberal education, this is markedly
similar to the views of Plato in
his dialogues. Something inherent
in the view of a high school
(note the use of the word high
to indicate a position of moral
and
intellectual
superiority)
indicates that the elevation given
by liberal education is one that
runs against the grain of our
increasingly nihilistic society,
and one that the uninitiated, from
his position of modern vulgarity,
might see as the “opposite of
improvement.” For as the great
scholar Leo Strauss once said,
“Liberal education is liberation
from vulgarity. The Greeks had a
beautiful word for ‘vulgarity’;
they called it apeirokalia, lack
of experience in things beautiful.
Liberal education supplies us with
experience in things beautiful.”
Pinkwater is here explaining the
importance of liberal education
by highlighting its resistance
amongst the vulgar, of which the
protagonist Walter Galt and his
friend Winston Bongo are soon
revealed to be a part of.
At this point I had read enough to realize this was not
quite appropriate material for the Gadfly. I raised my eyes
April 24th, 2023
from the page to the short, oddly scented man who was
looming under me, and stated as much.
“Have you considered another publication?” I asked
him. “Perhaps the Imaginative Conservative?”
“I already tried them,” he squelched, “the subject matter
seems right up their alley. For some reason they won’t answer
my telegrams. If you won’t accept it perhaps I should turn
to the T—o F–h.” He named a particularly disreputable rag
that sometimes circulates around campus.
“Good heavens, no! Not in ten thousand years will
those Abecedarian Bashi-Bazouks gain a single contributor
under my watch!” I coolly responded. I have, after all,
a journalist’s sense for a scoop, even if I do say so myself,
and could not allow any such an article to be passed to the
enemy. I returned my eyes to another page and continued
reading, to give the appearance of a collected calm necessary
to strike the proper balance of fear and reverence in a writer.
The text I stared at continued
Pinkwater’s views on modern
liberalism’s inherent nihilism are
manifest in his use of the character
Uncle Flipping Hades Terwilliger,
whose name doubtlessly derives
from the maniacal Dr. Terwilliker
of Theodore Geisel’s cinematic
Aristotelian
commentary,
the
5,000 Fingers of Dr.T, which I
have analyzed in a previous essay.
Terwilliger is first discovered in
the movie theater, dressed in a
checkered suit and a straw hat,
eating a pickle, and describing
his habit of attending the movie
theater in the small hours of the
morning every night for the past
three decades, all well known
attributes of civilization. He is
later said by the Chinese butler
Heinz “to have a tendency to
vanish,” illustrating the elusive
nature of the Good, represented
by
Terwilliger’s
affinity
for
the high arts and civilization,
which is remarkably similar to
the Platonic understanding of
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the Badfly
the evils of Nihilism. As Strauss
said, “Nihilism is the rejection
of the principles of civilisation
as
such,”
and
Uncle
Hades
disappearances and reappearances
represent the continuing power
of civilization, but also the
increasingly convoluted ways in
which nihilism pushes them away.
Indeed, the following passage is
highly illustrative:
“‘Uncle Flipping vanishes fairly
often,’ Rat said. ‘He disappears
in a variety of ways. For example,
once we heard a muffled shriek in
the night, and he was gone. Another
time, there were heavy footsteps
in the library, after which he
vanished.’
‘Yes,’
Saunders
Harrison
Matthews II added, "and there
was the time he vanished, and we
found an envelope containing five
grapefruit pips under his pillow.’
‘My favorite was the time we
found a stuffed monkey in his
place,’ Aunt Terwilliger said.”
The variety of ways in which
Terwilliger vanishes correspond
esoterically to a variety of
problems
facing
the
Truth
underpinning
our
civilization,
similarly to the aforementioned
fixation with avocados. One is
reminded of the great closing
lines of his earlier work, Young
Adult Novel, which reads “‘It has
no moral,’ said the Honorable
Venustiano
Carranza
(President
of Mexico, ‘It is a Dada story.’”
Further, one can manifestly…
12
April 24th, 2023
I was interrupted at this point by a sound of screaming
from the BBC sub-basement. I, of course, was not frightened,
I knew it was likely those same feral young children who
roamed the suburbs last semester messing around in the
abandoned computer lab, but my guest seemed perturbed.
The man looked around nervously, grabbed the manuscript
and rushed towards the door, tossing over his shoulder a
business card. I called after him to wait, but to no avail. He
disappeared into the gloomy Annapolis afternoon, and all
I had was my memory of this manuscript, and this business
card:
Make of this mystery what you will, but I believed,
and still do believe, I was temporarily in the presence of a
true, certified mad genius, of a kind I had not seen since
I first encountered my ex-barber on Maryland Ave. The
essay, of course, in the mere fragments I managed to read
was mediocre, but since he was threatening to give it to our
dunderheaded cercopithecus–like microcephalic baboons
of rivals, I figured I should at least preempt their publication
by a little, a difficult fate given the irregular publication
schedules of the Gadfly and the non-existent schedules
of those iconoclastic nincompoops. Thus, I was forced to
publish it in the Badfly, although I mean to emphasize it is
meant entirely seriously, as all great works are. After all, in
the words of Pinkwater himself in the Snarkout boys, “My
wig may be uncool, but my jive is solid.”
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the Badfly
Address from a Harrowed Seeker
My Fellow Americans (not for long),
I think we can all agree: The U S of A has hit its high
point. We peaked in middle school and now we’re 32,
working a dead-end desk job as our husband spends all
our money on some sort of new age pyramid scheme that
threatens the stability of Democracy over Reddit. Where,
we say to our George Washington bobblehead—where,
oh where did we go wrong?
The answer, of course, is the 1800s. From Mar. 1, 1803
to Jan. 4, 1896, we added a grand total of 29 states to
this, our most wonderful union, racking up some true
American classics like California, Florida, Texas (the
unholy trinity). There were gold rushes, there were wagon
trains, there were big open plains full of opportunity and
God and dysentery. There was slavery and the civil war,
but there were also those fun bikes with one big wheel
and one tiny one. We were, in the phrase of every middle
school history class, living out Manifest Destiny.
And we must do it again.
April 24th, 2023
The observant reader will notice one small problem:
What land remains to manifest our destiny upon? Is
he about to suggest we annex Canada and Mexico,
undoubtedly sparking WWIII and the imminent
mutually-assured nuclear annihalation of all humanity?
God, I wish we would. But, since my mother forbids me
from ending yet another species, I submit here a novel
proposal, a way to get our American groove back. I present
to you: Infinite Manifest Destiny.
Step one: de-settle all of the states west of the
Mississippi, forcing massive population centers back East
(put all that gold back in ground!).
Step two: Manifest Destiny, remix: new states (Tall
Utah from border to shining border), new religions (the
new, even newer book of Mormon with extra special,
super secret fourth Heaven), and new fashions (cowboy
chic is back, baby!). Remember the Alamo? No, redo the
Alamo.
Step three: Rinse, repeat, etc., et al., ad nauseum.
There will be no stagnant economies, no political
deadlock, no Colorado—only adventure and the wicked
tan and blue expanse of our great frontiers. America will
be great again (again, again, again).
Lovingly yours (unless you’re from anywhere West
of Tennessee),
B.S.
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the Badfly
“Grandiloquence”
An exquisite dichotomy is drawn
Between myself and the ordinary.
Stationed on my island of uniqueness
And the weight of my trust fund that devitalizes my shoulders
What a paradoxical interconnection–
The ontological war within my soul,
And the virtuousness I effortlessly accumulated.
Others tell me that my appellations are gaudy,
But the axiomatic nature of my calligraphic philosophies
Only are able to precipitate pleasure within my mortal physique… even to the females.
My colloquial confabulations and exemplary discourse
Effectuates me to philander with perfection,
Which merely expedites my capacity for unadulterated perspicaciousness.
Equating my heightened mindset to a form of inconsequential beauty,
And my disdain for individuals who cannot possibly clasp my champagne problems.
They are simply not accustomed to pay attention to my high-level pedagogy.
How contemptible!
How disconsolate their benightedness is,
Incapable of achieving a cognizance of my perplexity
Of being born in the wrong generation.
Then again,
My epiphanies are not befitting to those with mild skill–
Only to the most voracious audience of readers who venerate and envy
The ostentatious vault of my vocabulary.
After all,
My audacious ignorance of my nepotism and privilege
Only puts my esoteric brain above the median citizenry.
14
April 24th, 2023
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the Badfly
Language Is What You Make It
When You Have a Can-Do Spirit
Have you ever noticed how many different meanings the
English word can has? Of course it can be placed between a
subject and a verb to indicate ability (an example that can be
seen in this sentence), and there are subtleties and nuances
and myriad use-cases for this way of using can: there is a
great difference between “Linda can juggle” and "Linda can
now leave.” But that’s only the beginning. And here’s where
things get really wild. A can can also be a cylindrical piece
of metal, often aluminum, containing food or drink or any
number of other consumables. If you work at the factory
where that food or drink is made, and your job is to bring
that food or drink from a package other than a can into the
cans (a process commonly known as canning), then your job
is to can; if you complain to your boss about the factory’s
working conditions, he might request your silence by telling
you to can it; if your complaint causes him to relieve you
of your duties as one who is employed in the field of cans,
then you’ve been canned; and if, while you're out drowning
your sorrows that night the police arrest you for, let’s say,
disorderly conduct, they will throw you into The Can. The
Can is also an colloquial title given alternately to restrooms
and to the waste receptacles contained therein, which are
commonly made of porcelain and are filled with water. In
the 1960’s, the bulky headphones which young people used
to listen to records also began to be called cans; many such
young people listened to the artist Can’s first album on
those cans in 1969. In another, more crude sense, can can
refer to a person’s posterior; pluralized, it can also refer to a
woman’s chest. One particularly vulgar film producer who
scoped out a starlet for his film based on the size of her cans;
furthermore, one might say of his film, once it is finished,
that it is in the can.
Can is a conjunction, a noun, a location, and a verb
three different ways; it is one of the most versatile English
words in common usage. It is a model of efficiency; even the
French verb faire, the meaning of which is infamously vague
and implacable, is still confined to just one part of speech,
and will never come to be an alternative to, say, nouns like
yeux and cravat.
And yet for every word as multifaceted as can, English
has so many more words which hold just one meaning,
April 24th, 2023
and which are only ever used in one kind of situation, like
tintinnabulate or diaphanous or gynecologist. These words
would do well to follow can's example. I pray we may be
released from these words, and simply give their meanings
to some other more common and easy-to-pronounce
words. Then, the English language may be condensed from
hundreds of thousands of words to a mere thousand—
imagine it, comprehensive dictionaries which could be
carried around in your back pocket! Or, perhaps, we could
venture to carry the practice further and reduce English
down to just one word—one singular, glorious, infinitely
useful multitude-containing word. Just think of it—if
someone were trying to learn English as a second language
they could simply be told that one word, and that its
meaning is all. Then, at last, the English language would
make sense, and all those blabbering trickster poets would
have to throw away their Thesauruses (which, by the way,
cannot fit in one’s back pocket) and find real day jobs.
-Ranger Kasdorf
15
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Selections from
SJC Twitter Pt. 2
16
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
�κακά
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
Railing Against the Johnnie Man,
Being One with the Johnnie Man
French philosophies are fine—they’re fine—but I just
really don’t buy into all that idyllic airbrush bullshit of
dog whistling himbo German idealism. Wiping my brow
against the stress, this philosophy of striving fools errands
has become the de facto focus of the “Very Serious Men,”
basically the furrowed brow intelligentsia types. (Ok…
Nietzsche is an outlier).
Great French thinkers have a long, storied tradition—
from Descartes and Voltaire to Rousseau and the Jacobins,
from beheaded Lavoisier and Pascal and the snot-nose
of Rimbaud to the dead boys-becoming-men smoking
& writing poetry & dying in the trenches during those
thirty years of war, then you’ve got Sartre and the vixen de
Beauvoir and Camus rolling his boulder and Barthes and
Deleuze and Derrida and creeps like Foucault and heroes
like Foucault and Baudrillard inside the simulation, and on
and on. But it’s those kings like Robespierre and those gods
like Napoleon and the writers of Charlie Hebdo and the
narcissists Macròn and Le Pen that make all the idealism
just silly and childish enough to maybe believe in. All the
skinny young men, radicalized and dressed in all black, who
start fires and flip cop cars over mild, seemingly reasonable
tax reform and slight increases to the national retirement
age, are just an extension of the unencompassing energies
of a sort of Enlightenment age Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité
crapshooting, with their own little bits of terror and civil
disobedience and what they call “tasteful” pedophilia
thrown in. Philosophers, poets. psychoanalysts, and evil
tyrants alike—not much changes amongst the men. God
bless those sweet, naive idiot savant contrarians with their
pies-in-the-sky and their heads-in-the-sand and their
minds-in-the-gutter. Who cares if they’re pedantic when
you can just as easily shrug them off all the same.
But Camus…well, Camus is special for those of us who
are idiots. Oh yes, the idiots love him because he thought
like what teenagers imagine a really smart person to think
like and his big literary advancement was to try to write
about life like it was really real. Born in Africa a white
man, he was good looking and knew suicide was awesome,
and said you gotta try it, and he perfected the incel hero
archetype (think De Niro in Taxi Driver) which we’ve all
come to love to pretend we hate, butthen he died in a car
crash and never got to actually kill himself. Yep, the idiots
can more than stomach old Camus, tucking all his thinking
into compact lumps of id>ego>superego bite size sugar
clumps. His novels are filled with goofy good kids gonebad-gone-worse (worse here meaning “became interested
in existentialism”). Worse yet, he founded a school of
thought he had the absolute gall to call “Absurdism,” which
is basically just post-Christian ambition with a big stinking
ego in the way, all about the tedium of big hills and how
awesome being liberal is. Sure thing, all us idiots can’t help
but love him. It’s like Beatlemania for the intellectually
infirm who have no friends and who seriously think they
may be a once-in-a-generation type penetrating genius,
with the insight and mental agility to delve deeper into the
truth of it all than everyone else around them. That’s the
type who loves him. I love him. I’m the type. Them and me.
But it’s that wackjob Hegel’s views—typical German
freak that he is—about dialectics and historical progress
that truly turned up the dial for idiots who love to think,
leaving behind for them principles of dress-up and playacting: a child pretend sword-fighting with imaginary
pirates on the grassy high seas of a suburban backyard with
a pool with a deepend and diving board and a little prefab
treehouse off to the side. This is the hero Hegel envisioned
unintentionally, always there in the back of his mind and
written in between the lines of his texts. That’s the whole
“genius” of his whole deal: a bean-counting spirit goading
mankind into believing they have souls and that God is
no longer a god. Taking infinity down a notch so we can
“punch up,” putting it on the same metaphysical plane as
fucking Ouija boards and the Catholics saying their hail
Marys or whatever. In this method, even Hegel’s prudish
insane homeboy quirks do not hold up well in the harsh
light of gray days, and this style of philosophical worldbuilding feels incredibly and unforgivably out of date and
not suited for the short attention spans, the algorithms, and
the Singularity of today.
ANYWAYS—I’m worried that they’re gonna be
so enamored by the reckoning of Homer, ancient public
domain like all the tales of the Brothers Grimm. What if
I’m the only one not content in the whoring out—or the
whoring in—of the biblification of that epic. An end of a
17
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
spectrum. They’ll think I am just thick and dull and cynical his childhood where mushrooms restricted by the FDA
and crazy and I will think they’re out of their damn gourds and chips made from unheard-of ancient grains were
in autism, all the while my autism is thoroughly in my considered junk food and dessert was one of those gross
gourd.
slabs of wrinkly fruit leather that only come in like apricot
Their delicate and polite prodding of themes— or kumquat flavor, and being told by himself that he is a
symbolism or some other nothing-burger concept which wunderkind because doing math makes him feel like he just
was fucking invented long after the scribes behind these got pussy for the first time and he made it to the advanced
trig classes in high school with no black kids who he was
canonical texts were
scared of (and he was scared
dead and buried in the
of them all).
ground forever beneath
the dirt. Now I’m just
BUT I will be there
bracing for some lisping
to hit back. At St. John’s
anemic
sweater-boy
College, the only moral
to feign third-eyeism,
option is to fight back.
divorcing himself from
Torch them, bully these
the ordained academic
fools, create new slurs, show
disposition of solipsism.
them a piece of the real
Opining on the topic of
world where it’s actually
War with ultra-smug pity
lame and embarrassing to
for the fucking Achaeans
want to go to Grad school,
(?) in condemnation of
show them the truth no
the Trojan army (???).
matter how much it may
And he’ll insist on the
hurt their feelings and how
senselessness of most
funny it their reactions will
war and the justice of
be. When encountering the
others; thinks the misery
Johnnie Man, it’s better to
is good sometimes and
be adamantly against them
other times it’s bad; he
than to not care and be
can say; yep, he knows
tacitly on their side.
whether a war was good
Is it a duty to remind
or bad, with or against
the Johnnies they’re super
reason and logic, which,
annoying and lame? To
after all, he got from his
very little fanfare or sense of
Sunday School lessons
humor at all from them, and
and after-school specials
with puzzled looks of hatred
and whatever his parents
and blind-hatred disgust, the
taught him and whatever
answer is probably yes. We
The Editors of the Yearbook forgot to put this in the Yearbook.
he thinks is right and Also, the Editors of the Yearbook are the same as the Editors of the can’t just sit here and take
good and ought to be,
it. Even for those skeptical
Gadfly, who are currently Editing this Issue.
m i s ta ki n g / c o n f us i n g
of the power transfers, they
“reason” and “logic” with
can’t deny the weight that
the unrelenting wellspring of sheer raw force feels so good in our hands in that dogma, that tradition,
contained
in
the
entitled,
booger-tasting, that moral certitude. No Vatican II controversy’ll get me
dandruff-smacked, transition-lensed power of will.
down. Jihad won’t neither. Even the snipping at my own
Especially if he (and he always is) given to temper Bris couldn’t get me down. Your God doesn’t scare me.
tantrums, and a few years of homeschool, and parents Your God’s softer than a teddy bear. Hell, he couldn’t even
who fed him health-conscious organic diets throughout hurt a fly. I bet my dad could beat up your God.
18
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the Badfly
ANYWAYS—the statute of limitations for the worst
kind of misery and unimaginable human suffering seems to
be like 80, maybe 85 years at most but I doubt the sickest
of crimes could indict those behind the cellophane sheen
of some good old-fashioned dogma. And sweater-boy
might try and practice all his dogmatic sure-footedness
with elite elitism, bringing up the League of Nations or the
victories won by all of mankind at the Geneva Convention.
Apparently, 1949 is the year we learned that killing is
wrong. My imaginary foe argues that human rights,
(incontrovertible? Bro please) didn’t really even exist, at
least in any legal matter, before some town in Switzerland
said they did.
Our Johnnie Man, unsocialized pretentious douchebag
freak that he is, sweater-boy till death does him part,
loves hierarchy so much that he thinks that a one-world
government is reasonable and honestly believes that people
who attend the World Economic Forum at Davos want to
end poverty and don’t want to bleed the middle class dry,
and that New World Order puts the order in “Law and
Order.” He believes the World Bank is “dope” and thinks
NATO is “based.” The destruction and death and decay
are irrelevant when it comes to defending Englightent
Liberalism. Everyone knows that.
The Johnnie Man often converts to Catholicism during
Sophomore year and is probably considering getting his
Masters degree in philosophy with a focus on theology in
Grad school—either at Columbia or University of Chicago
most likely. Neither the miracle of finding God (who he
found during his sophomore year seminar readings) nor
the miracle of getting laid for the first time (which, funny
enough, also occurred during his sophomore year), will
make him realize he will eventually have to get a real office
job and have real responsibilities some day. Real life is fake
as hell for the Johnnie Man. As are women’s thoughts and
feelings. Any philosophy written after the 19th century is
also fake. But Socrates actually once said what Plato said he
said and Jesus walked on water and healed leprosy so help
him god.
Using the last gasp of air for the white boy grindset, he’ll
probably bring up feminism as “for women” and politics as
“not helpful,” even though he’s sick of all the politics as usual
and probably either wants to Make America Great Again or
calls himself a Marxist and a Communist but is anti-China
and says real communism has never actually been tried
and most likely voted for Bernie in the primary and then
Biden in the general. But he’d rather focus on something
April 24th, 2023
more real and relevant to our day in age, like Ancient Greek
Mythology and French poetry from the 17th century.
You can often see him drinking boxed wine at Quad
Bools, twitching and having convulsions when called
upon to present in Math or Lab class, talking outside with
someone after seminar complaining about how no one in
his class understood the text but him, either eating at Pip's
or lining up at the dining hall for dinner at like 4:45, going
home with Freshman girls after parties, and displeasing
God and sucking the air out of all rooms he enters or some
other bullshit like that I don’t know. He’ll judge you and
he’ll make fun of you to your face. He’ll say you’ve come
such a long way since freshman year because “you used to
be so bad in class” and now you’re just average.
To combat this evil energy just tell everyone he’s antichoice or anti-vax or something. There is the risk that he’ll
just admit that he actually is and the fake rumor you started
will have been for nothing. Title IV his ass. Never let the
worst guys you know win. Give him an inch, he’ll have
somewhere in between four and a half and six. Can’t stand
him. I’m him. I'm the Johnnie Man.
19
�κακά
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
SHEBA GETS A LINKEDIN
Let him disrupt me with the bytes of his metrics!
For your paradigm shift is more solutions-oriented than a Bolshevik;
Effective is your altruism;
Your content is king.
Analyze my back end - let us touch base!
The guru has grabbed my low-hanging fruit.
We will circle back and ping you!
We stand in solidarity with your customer journey.
Equitably do they leverage you.
I am very data-driven, but holistic,
O Thought Leaders,
Like Sam Bankman-Fried,
Like Brexit.
Do not marginalize me because I am a bot,
Because I am born of an algorithm’s loins.
My company culture was toxic;
They tested my emotional bandwidth,
But I have Korean facial masks, so it’s okay!
Tell me, you whom I friended on Facebook,
Where you empower emergent game-changers,
Where you microdose illicit nootropics;
For why should I reinvent the wheel,
Going forward in these unprecedented times?
20
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the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
21
�κακά
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
A Translation of Phèdre (excerpt from Act I, Scene 3)
Oenone
Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah! If it has you to puff your ruby, rose,
beetroot redness all blushed and burning, so much burning
and twitching all kinds of red colors of a super shut silence,
Which of your own problematic ills still and has yet
turns sour and embittering nasty flavors to a taste of your
medicine, all violence,
Rebellious insurgent rebel from a far way galaxy to all our
needs and careful attention, should be deaf emerging and
erupting to all our speaking speech and discourses,
Do you wish to intend and want without pitied mercy to
let it go and leave to terminate exploding [the star of ] the
ends of your days in separate divorces in continuous forces?
What red hot raging heat of a passion is central upon the
bounds, limits, marks of a terminal ticket kiosk to the
central beginning middle and that end of their full meal
and driving courses?
What spells and charms bewildering and bewitching or
what baneful poison of a sore canker had been drying up
and shriveling the bountiful and tasteful sources?
Voids, Abysses, and All-Engulfing Shadows for thrice times
had been obscured in black befuddled darkness the dome
above known as heaven blue skies,
Everything from and since [that] sleep is [not] entering an
opening between your big not blue eyes;
And the day has thrice times had been in hunting season
shooting to chase away and after the night of nighttime dim
darkness in cloudy covered disguise,
Everything from and since [that] your bodied bony corpse
and carcass frame languishes to yearn without nourishing
full-size, king-size McDonald’s French Fries.
To what frightful and fearful ghastly horror image of
presence the intention and goal do you in a collar leave
leading to seek attempt to tempt such a size?
From what top righteous and upstanding stance on and
regarding yourself do you [have the audacity] to dare such
pleasurable temptation to attempt in rise to the prize?
You offensively insulted in trespassing that you shall not
pass the Good, Sweet, All-Powerful, Omnipotent God
Almighty and Almighty Gods authorizing authors of your
life.
You traitor in the trade to betray espoused spouse of a so-
22
called lover to whom and which the belief of faithfulness
in praying faith you had in deposits and dregs been tied
around and all-together in binds rife and full of bitter strife,
You traitor in the trade to betray that is to say and finally
after all that at last your bratty pipsqueak childish brats so
unhappy,
That you precipitate in downpour and ascend down to
the core underneath deeply within below a tool yoke
that enslaves animals and creatures strictly rigorous and
painstaking yanking so snappy.
Reflect and wander in contemplation that a very and same
day will satisfy in thrill, delight, love, and pleasure their
maternal motherly lady mother,
And pray sign, seal, and deliver it back in returning and
rendering a small gap of hopeful expectancy to the male
bratty pipsqueak brats of the strange unknown other,
To this cocky, fierce, all-pride mind opposing enemy militia
of yours, of your leaky red-dark gory bloodstream of blood
coming out as red blood cells,
This son of a female dog bratty brat that an Amazon
swinging jungle like freaky Tarzan had carried over opening
doors and shoulders taking in and by its broadside pickup
corner,
This dopey Hippolytus…
JOHNNIES WANTED
for hazardous journey, no wages, bitter
warmth, long minutes of complete sunshine,
constant fun, safe return probable, honor and
κλέος in case of success.
Ernest Tacks-a-Ton
60
College
Ave.
�κακά
the Badfly
April 24th, 2023
23
�THE STUDENT
NEWSPAPER
OF
ST. JOHN’S
COLLEGE
Founded in 1980, the Gadfly
is the student newsmagazine
distributed to over 600
students, faculty, staff, and
alumni of the Annapolis
campus.
Opinions expressed within
are the responsibility of the
author(s). The Gadfly reserves
the right to accept, reject,
and edit submissions in any
way necessary to publish a
professional, informative,
and thought provoking
newsmagazine.
Freshman Kirk Garner's mother Rikke, a former defense
contractor, can't resist making a move on
Gadfly Editor-in-chief Daniel Nathan.
Submissions sent to the
Gadfly should either be
in Google Docs or JPEG
format. The deadline for
submissions is the Friday prior
to publication.
For more information, contact
us via email at sjca.gadfly@
gmail.com
6 0 COLLEGE AVENUE
Images without a listed source are from the
St. John's College Digital Archives.
St. John's College owns the rights
to these photographs.
24
ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 21401
�
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Title
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
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Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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thegadfly
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pdf
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24 pages
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The Gadfly, Vol. XLIV, Issue 9 [Badfly issue]
Description
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Volume XLIV, Issue 9, special Badfly issue of The Gadfly. Published April 24, 2023.
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Nathan, Daniel (Editor-in-Chief)
Publisher
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St. John's College
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Annapolis, MD
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2023-04-24
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text
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College students' writings--Periodicals
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St. John's College--Periodicals
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English
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Gadfly Vol XLIV Issue 9 Badfly
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/23eca683a21e7aa92b5cd055c815d678.pdf
1f2c5809db466a0d1f158cb1543a1025
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Title
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
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An account of the resource
Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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paper
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4 pages
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The Gadfly, Vol. XXXIX, Issue 12
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Volume XXXIX, Issue 12 of The Gadfly. Special Edition: Badfly. Published May 2, 2018. (Misnumbered as Vol. XXXVIV, Issue 12)
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St. John's College
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Annapolis, MD
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2018-05-02
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text
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pdf
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Vol. 39 Issue 12 May 2, 2018
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/de22ef3a76cbd4a97f57080582b4db12.pdf
02205061e954b8f44213e7d30dea9be7
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
An account of the resource
Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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4 pages
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paper
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Vol. 40 #6
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Anderson, Kira (Editor in Chief)
Grauberd, Jonathan (Editor in Chief)
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The Gadfly, Vol. XXXVIII Issue 06
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2016-12-13
Description
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Volume XXXVIII, Issue 06 of The Gadfly (Special Issue: Badfly). Published December 13, 2016. (Misnumbered as Vol. XLII, Issue 06).
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Annapolis, MD
Publisher
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St. John's College
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English
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text
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St. John's College owns the rights to this publication.
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pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/fdef1f910d7675a5defebd9d13c6f9ec.pdf
b2e50ff5ae34bba00995f378cfa67773
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
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Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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St. John's College Greenfield Library
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thegadfly
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8 pages
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paper
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Vol. 37 #5
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Barajas, Sebastian (Editor-in-Chief)
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The Gadfly, Vol. XXXVII Issue 5 [The Badfly]
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2015-10-27
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Volume XXXVII, Issue 5 of The Gadfly. Special issue entitled "The Badfly". Published October 27, 2015.
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Annapolis, MD
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St. John's College
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English
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text
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St. John's College owns the rights to this publication.
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pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
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https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/f96e6769be1aa918043b8e0d0b10061e.pdf
350a8efcc0c26bc508a113ab723f2005
PDF Text
Text
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PAGE
02
THE INTERNATIONAL NEWSMAGAZINE
OF ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE
60 COLLEGE AVENUE
ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 21401
SJCA.GADFLY@GMAIL.COM
Founded in 1772, the Badfly is an internataionl newsmagazine distributed to over 600
students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis
campus.
Opinions expressed within are the sole
responsibility of the author(s). The Badfly reserves the right to reject, reject, and
reject submissions in any way necessary
to publish a professional, informative,
and thought-provoking newsmagazine.
The Badfly meets on the Lower Level of the
BBC, once a semester.
STAFF
Sebastian Barajas • Editor-in-Chief
Allison Tretina • Keyholder to Morgue
Kira Anderson • Managing Editor
Lyra Meurer • lllustrator
Frederick Nesfield • Staff
Mallari Richards • Staff
CONTRIBUTORS
Dr. Jack Brews, PhD
Adolfo Barajas
'
-
Mad Style
BREAKING NEWS
0
Jellyfish gains sentience, relays the last number of pi.
0
Perseus temporarily stops working, students riot in the coffee shop,
breaking several windows.
0
Kingdom of flesh-eating bacteria found at the bottom of College Creek
with Spartan system of government.
0
Students wins seminar, steals pants from tutor.
0
Pallas Athena descends from heaven to declare Aristotle readings, "foo
damn hard."
0
Iron Throne built in snow on front campus, blood bath ensues.
0
Pirates have infiltrated crew team, insider says.
0
Freshman stage coup de tat, calling Campbell the "new powerhouse of
campus."
0
'
PAGE
nside sources confirmed last week that sophomore Gunther
Peterson (A' 17) is still complaining about being overworked.
"I'm so tired," he told an undercover Badfly reporter, "I got, like,
six hours of sleep last night. I had to finish an essay, and I still have
another to do for Monday. I am so stressed right now."
When our reporter asked why he was complaining to his own core
members, who have the exact same workload as himself, Mr. Peterson replied, "Because I also have to work two and a half hours at the
library, and then I have yoga later. I literally could not do a single
thing more. I am so tired."
However, eyewitness accounts have shown Mr. Peterson sitting in
his room at 3 PM on a Monday, eating potato chips and watching a
Benedict-Cumberbatch-a-thon on Netflix. "That was literally, like,
the one break I took," he explained, "All the rest of the time, I was
working. Plus I've been sick."
Other Johnnies have expressed irritation with Mr. Peterson's attitude. "He needs to get over himself," an anonymous sophomore
commented, "This kind of complaining was old even when we were
freshmen. Hell, it was old even in high school, when you could talk
about how many more AP classes you were taking than your friends .
News flash: we're all taking the same classes now, dipshit. We're
not impressed."
Harvard psychologist Bertrand Bloomingham has identified a
likely cause for Mr. Peterson's behavior. "We all do it," Mr. Bloomingham told the Badfly, reclining in his commemorative Harvard
Class of '87 easy chair, "We all want validation. And sometimes, if
we're going through a rough patch where it's not all that easy to see
the benefit of our work, we want to be consoled. We want to reach
out and find someone who will tell us that we're an impressive person, that what we're doing is valuable. And one very common way
we have found to seek this validation is to whine incessantly like a
little bitch."
Of all those interviewed, juniors and seniors were the least sympathetic to Mr. Peterson's complaints. Senior Orphilina Rhizomo
(A' 15) commented, "Don't worry. Junior year will cut him down
to size. He'll be so tired, he won't have the energy to complain.
Besides, it's really seniors who have it the hardest. We have to apply
for grad school, and spend an hour a day minimum just generally
stressing about our futures- and all of that's on top of our schoolwork. That's why we've only gotten six hours of sleep in the last
week. Plus we've all been sick."
Mr. Peterson was too overwhelmed with work to comment.~
--- --~~------
'
Prospie's Question
Perplexes Tutor
E
v.ery prospi~ who stays overnight has a chance to
sit down with a tutor and ask any questions about
St. John's. Alexander, an eager high school senior from
upstate New York, very much looked forward to his
interview. He had read all of Stringfellow Barr, Scott
Buchanan, and Mortimer J. Adler and was well versed
in the history of the liberal arts education.
Alexander asked several questions about life at
St. John's and the Program. The conversation was
comfortably well-paced- that is, until it came to
an abrupt halt. Without realizing the weight of his
question, the student asked, "What is the purpose of a
St. John's education?" The tutor fell silent and slowly
slid back in his chair. A few long seconds went bycomplete silence. In a frantic effort to relieve the tutor,
Alexander proposed his own answers. "Is it to make
better citizens?" he asked. "Or, how about make
students think on their own?" The tutor grunted- no
reply. A few more long seconds rolled by, until finally
the tutor sat up, looked at his watch, and said, "I think
our time is up." Then, without a formal goodbye, the
tutor stood up, put on his coat, and quickly walked
out of the Coffee Shop. Alexander was shocked and
thought out loud, "What the hell?"
Next fall, Alexander enrolled as a Freshman. i\>
DINING HALL
€"1)#Sophomore Still Trying to Solicit Sympathy for Heavy Workload
Literature & Fine Arts
03 '
~•
Health center sends out helpful information.
~/
I
uoI mm@fl'I· m
- -·---
'
INTENTIONALLY
SMASHES ALL PLATES
Recently, the dining hall has been denying requests for
specific food items, which it identifies as "too unhealthy"
for its students. Some such declarations state that lemon
juice has "too much sugar" in it for the dining hall to put
out in good conscience. (You know, compared to the Rice
Krispie Treats they serve at the very beginning of the food
line.) Also, a request for chocolate chip cookie dough ice
cream was marked out in pen and the dining hall suggested kale flavoured ice cream instead. Needless to say, the
dining hall's fascism is obviously executed with only the
best health of the students' in mind, not the price of these
items which we already pay out the nose for on the meal
plan.
However, in a shocking tum of events, all of the plates
in the dining hall have been broken, and a sign has been
posted stating simply, "Watch your portions." As reminiscent of as this is of a "Big Brother is watching you,"
schtick, students should be reminded that you are in fact
being controlled and your requests are being rudely denied for your own good. The dining hall knows best, children. Remember that. i\>
A
fter disappearing from public view for 11 speculation-filled days, Russian President Vladimir Putin resurfaced Monday, March 16, meeting with Kyrgyzstan President Almazbek Atambayev at a St. Petersburg
palace. The meeting marked Putin's first public appearance since March 5,
when Putin met with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi.
The strongman's abrupt and unexplained absence had set off a flurry
of rumors, including that Putin had died or was in declining health, had
traveled to Switzerland for the birth of his girlfriends 's child, or even had
been ousted in a Kremlin coup.
But there he was on Monday, most assuredly not dead and showing no
outward signs of illness. The New York Times reports that during a j oint
appearance, Atambayev told reporters that Putin "had a philosophical
emergency," and flew out to Siberia, where he dieted on "raw fish, black
tea and parsnips."
"He was not only dietining and meditating, he read voraciously,"
Atambayev added.
On the top of his to-read list, the Russian leader spent most of the
week-and-a-half-long disappearance toiling over Nietzche's der Wille zur
Macht and Heid~gger's question of authenticity. But more that these, he
took to reading Zizek into the late hours of the night, trying to once and
for all resolve all his persistent questions imposed by previous German
philosophers.
Putin's "philosopphical emergency" came during particularly dire times
in Russia, with the country embroiled in Ukraine and amid the residual
fury over the assassination of the leading dissident Boris Nemtsov. No one
should be surprised.~
FUN FACT:
PUTIN IS ALIBRA
.n. .n. .n.
�~ookie ~AtAoist
c2\cciileotnll!J
At three in the morning this past Tuesday, I was abruptly awoken
by an unearthly howling. At the outset, I didn't worry too much the freshmen have been reading Herodotus lately and cries of lost
souls have become a comforting lullaby on Sunday nights - but
shortly after a desperate tapping came at my chamber door. Try as
I might, the poor soul was insistent. Not even my slurred "Slerp
stoody" could deter them; I stumbled to the door. Staring up at me
with watery eyes was a girl I'd never spoken to, though I'd seen her
on campus many a time.
"Sorry to wake you," she said. "But I've got a bit of an, err, problem down in the Humphreys basement."
"What?" I replied, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Oh, right.
Shit. RA Duties. Those are definitely an unfortunate reality. "Is
someone hurt?" The possibility of a bleeding student in my care
shocked me that much closer to full wakefulness.
"No, no. No one's hurt, it's just. .. " She huffed in frustration and
raked a hand through her hair. "Can you come with me? Please?"
It was my duty, dear reader, to do so. After grabbing a pair of
flip-flops and my robe, we trekked down from the third floor of
Humphreys to its basement. Let me say this: I have been well acquainted with fluorescent lighting in my lifetime. One might even
say 'painfully well acquainted' after viewing the buzzing ceiling
panels at my public high school. I had grown used to such lighting
in Humphreys basement, if only as a reason to avoid visiting it, but
the soft, rosy-fingered dawn-like yellow and neon purple spilling
into the hallway were most certainly not fluorescent.
"Excuse me?" A voice called from the room. The girl next to me,
I think her name was Elizabeth, froze. Her fear made me cautious,
but I entered the room anyway.
"Excuse me," the voice repeated, but I couldn't answer.
Jesus Christ floated gently in a ring of purple fire in the middle of
Humphreys basement.
"Hello," He said, lips curving into a smile. "Have you heard the
good word of me?" His laughter rooted me to the spot. I have never
been a religious person, but now seemed a great time to start. I
straightened up and tried to breathe a little more deeply, fisting my
~ummoos ~oo
of Qoil
hands in the pockets of my robe. I bowed stiffly.
"How can I help you ... Mr. Christ?" I managed to squeak out.
"Please, call me Jesus."
"Alright then, Jesus. May I ask what you're doing here?"
"I was hoping you could tell me," He glanced into the hallway. "I
believe I'm part of a seance gone wrong. It's okay, Elizabeth," He
motioned for her to come into the room. "Everyone messes up their
first invocation, but you get better. Why, I remember Mark tried to
summon Beelzebub one time and just got bees and bubble bath."
He laughed long and hearty, like it was the funniest joke he'd ever
heard. "Pronunciation is tricky, dear Elizabeth, if you inflect one
word wrongly you're likely to be given a phallus not a palace." Jesus wiped a tear from his eye and I briefly wondered if Homer had
these sorts of problems with his gods. Maybe.
"Oh, anyway, if you would just release me, I believe it's time for
me to get home. Daddy-o will be wondering where I am," He almost
started laughing again. My look of confusion must have tipped Him
off. "It's funny," He said, "Because He's omniscient. He's never
wondered in his life."
"Oh, yes," I nodded dumbly, "Very funny." I turned desperately
back to Elizabeth. "How do we let the nice man go?"
"That's just it," she said quietly, "I don't know."
"Well, if this is the trap that I think it is, you can just erase that
sigil," He gestured with his sandaled foot, "And change that to an
epsilon, I should be free to go."
Elizabeth hurriedly did as she was instructed, and soon the room
was filled with a white light. Jesus laughed again, he seemed like a
pretty jovial guy.
"Farewell, my friends . I am gone."
"Have a safe trip," I waved weakly. Elizabeth did the same.
Afterwards, there was no evidence that anything had ever transpired there. Only Elizabeth and I knew what had occurred, but I
didn't have the energy or presence of mind to berate her. Forgiveness seemed like a good option.
"Elizabeth," I began.
"Yes?" She sounded terrified.
"You know we have rules about this sort of thing."
"We do?" She seemed genuinely surprised.
"You can hold as many seances as you want in Humphreys. You
just have to get everyone's permission first."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes. Every resident has to okay it."
"So can I-"
"No. Because I will never say yes to you again."
I left her sputtering in the basement and returned upstairs, much
too tired for this nonsense. I had a nine am in a few hours and I
didn't think my tutor would take divine interruption as an excuse.
Back in bed, I reached down to take a swig from my water bottle;
dealing with Jesus was thirsty work. I gagged ungracefully at the
sour taste and swiped at my bedside lamp to turn it on. I stared in
frustrated disbelief. Pinot Noir glittered in my Came!Bak. ~
\.....L---------------------------, the
!-----------------------------"
Saint John's College to Become its own Country
Recently, a bill passed through the legislation of the American country
to declare the campus of St. John's College, formerly William and Mary's
School, to become its own country. This bill was started by several
students on-campus a few years ago, who have since graduated, but one
of them was recorded as saying, "I just think that our college is so much
more than a place of education, but... something more ... like, a country or
something. Yeah, a country," while very drunk at a party. The idea gained
steam, and slowly, petition after secret petition, the bill was presented to
Congress. The president did not veto this declaration, perhaps because it
was slid in as a clause on the one hundred and seventy second page of a
three hundred page bill about the standards of elementary geology classes
in the states. Nonetheless, we are excited to announce, here, in the pages
of our very own school paper, that you are all now citizens of Saint John's!
It is with great sadness, however, that I must announce several
drawbacks to this new status. Due to issues over land with the city of
Annapolis, the BBC will no longer be part of the campus. In fact, after a
lawsuit by the British Broadcast Company, the building can no longer be
called the BBC at all, and is being renamed something considerably more
boring. Also, residents of Pinkney and Randall are being asked to vacate
the buildings as soon as possible, since these, too, have been taken by the
city of Annapolis to be used as either tourist traps or restaurants which
are in themselves a form of tourist traps.
The polity is also to be made aware of a few new rules that will be
enforced in our great country.
1) Citizens must submit to the Gadfly at least one article per year.
2) The New Year's celebrations on Wednesday may only continue if the
singers reach no note higher than the middle "g" in the treble clef.
3) Axolotls are the only pet allowed now in dorm rooms.
4) For every Kant pun uttered, a citizen must receive twelve lashes.
5) The existence of mountains is to be denied at all times. Any people
who believe in mountains should be reported to the assistant dean
immediately.
6) Sophistry is no longer allowed to be mentioned in regards to the
education our school is providing.
7) The words "swag," "totes my goats;' "weebs," and "omg" are from
this moment on forbidden.
And finally,
8) Dogs are now allowed back on campus!
These rules are designed for the safety of everyone on campus, so
please respect them. Also keep in mind that the Wi-Fi can be shut down at
any time so that Perseus will no longer be available for use in "assisting"
translations.
Even though these are dramatic changes, please know that many of
things that you know and love about St. John's College will
remain the same. For example, eating at the dining hall will still be
mandatory for freshman, and Arcadia will remain on campus. In
fact, she had been promoted as the national animal for our country!
Isn't that charming? And for those of you that are wondering,
smoking will still be allowed on campus, but only if one uses the
ashtrays. We highlight this last part, since we feel this that this may
be a habit change for some of our citizens. We also would like to
reiterate that this new country is by no means anarchic. We do not
know what it is, really, other than a country.
If you want to put in an idea of how our new state should be run,
there will be a meeting at 2 am in the bell tower of McDowell on
April 16th, 2015. There will no refreshments nor will there be food,
and if you arrive to challenge those in power, you will be removed
from campus.
We at the Badfly sincerely hope that everyone enjoys their new
freedoms and lack of freedoms! However, we ask that you contain
your excitement enough that you do not draw the ire of the United
States, lest they decide to conquer us. ~
May Socrates be ever in your favor,
The Badfly Staff
Did You Know?
Famous sayings that originated from the
Bible:
0
0
'Judge not lest ye be judged.' (Matthew 7:1)
'Let he among you who is without sin cast the first
stone.' (John 8:7)
0 'Don't throw your pearls before swine.' (Matthew
7:6)
0 'Damned ifyou do, damned ifyou don't.' (Job 3:3)
0 'You gotta do what you gotta do.' (Johah 2:2)
0 'How do you like them apples?' (Genesis 3:5)
0 'Are you feeling lucky, punk?' (Exodus 14:23)
St. John's New Revenue
T
here have been several questions about the economy of
the new country of St. John's, all of which have pointedly
asked what in god's name we should do to stay afloat. A questionnaire was sent out to students, and the Delegate Council has
announced that tourism will be central to our new economy;
namely, St John's will bring in people to watch the students like
animals in a zoo, exactly like Prospies do already. Also, thanks
to an overwhelming amount of unsolicited advice, geeks from
all over St. John's have declared that the tabletop Role-Playing
Games (RPGs) are something that should be factored as a way
to make revenue. One letter to the Council declared, "We host
the sweetest RPGs around. People would totally pay to watch
me pretend to be a gnome paladin." Another stated, "I know all
of the rules of Dungeons and Dragons 2nd edition onward, and
I am fully prepared to police all games played to make sure that
nothing goes wrong. Also, I know Pathfinder." t>
�LJ[}{][
mm@Ftry -
PAGE
06
'
Of course you do.
LJ~[
mm@FLY --
B&G To Give Student Award:·Most Annoying Trash
T
his review will perhaps be most helpful for a specific
species of modem coffee enthusiasts- at this point in our
modem era an ever-expanding species-the torturers of Nature,
or, the Baconian Vexers. It will therefore be most sensible to those
who have already frequented the establishment this publication
has occasioned me to review, as well as those who share my and
other modem coffee enthusiasts' Baconian inclinations, that I am
indeed writing about Ceremony Coffee Roasters, perhaps the most
torturous, but at the same time revealing investigators of Nature's
fruits.
It is a truism that is unfortunately unnoticed by most modem
coffee enthusiasts that their own principles and modus operandi
are in fact founded on Baconian principles. Thus, those who
deviate from their own craft's principles should not be surprised to
find themselves befit for Idols of the Theatre and therefore subject
to scrutiny and perhaps correction on behalf of their betters. (Dare
I mention that most despicable venue, the that which something
lesser cannot be drank, Starbucks?) Fortunately for us Vexerswould that fortune obeyed me more often!-our tasks have been
re-delegated to those martyrs of scientific knowledge at Ceremony
to reveal the shadows on the cave wall, disguising flat, weak crema
atop a double ristretto-shot, and that over-aerated milk which, from
afar to those in chains, looks like latte art but most certainly is not.
Ceremony Coffee Roasters was first mentioned to me by a
colleague of mine in the basement of the Baconian Institute at
M.I. T., an institute devoted to essentially putting various exotic
flowers and animals through Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
until they reveal to us Nature's mechanisms. I was telling her that
I was going to give a talk for a conference at the Naval Academy
entitled, 'Torture is Justified: Put it in Your Cup', and she told me
my pilgrimage would be remiss if I didn't visit Ceremony, advice
which, coming from the Chair of the Department for Nature's
Very Real and Reductive Mechanisms, I was required to obey.
When I arrived at Ceremony I was presented immediately
with one of the most serious and profound displays of Baconian
investigation and rigor in the modem Western world. One of these
displays can be found at the most immediate part of Ceremony's
brand, its logo, which features an exquisite set ofleaves that house
one of the Baconian's foods and jewels-the Arabica bean, that
sweet, complicated question that is the subject of the modem
coffee enthusiasts' and Vexers' project alike. But Ceremony's
displays grew that much more striking when I soon discovered
the tools at Ceremony's disposal for extracting Nature's nectar,
impressively varied and powerful: a set of calibrated kettles
designed to put Nature through a most vexatious routine in the
public spectacle, that most divine and zenithal symbol of the
Baconian Vexers project, the (Synesso) espresso machine, as well
as modem science's most sophisticated roaster equipped with
the appropriate graphing functions for roasting and extraction
temperature, and finally a glass-encased room for tasting various
aspects of the answers with which Nature has decided to present
us. One merely has to watch one of Ceremony's baristas-or
should I say Bacon-istas?-grind Nature to a fine, powdery
condition, tamp, beat, and pound onto the portafilter a la Novum
Organum, making Mother Nature finally acquiesce underneath
9-bars of pressure of the espresso machine's unceasing power.
And EUREKA! Nature's secrets are revealed in its most delicious
form! There are absolutely no idols and idolaters to be found at
this establishment- this most glorious kitchen of Nature!
Comrades of the Baconian Project- I beseech you for a
cappuccino at Ceremony ! Imbibe Nature's answers and savor the
fall of its last stand against Man's unceasing efforts! Cease your
Interrogation Techniques, and grant Ceremony the privilege to
supply you with the fruits of its torture!
)ltticus <Beaumont is no ordinary coffege student. J{e fias Grokfn many
Goundaries to arrive wfiere fie is now-St. Jolin 's Coffege, )lnnapofis. :Not
on{y did fie fiave to overcome a ratfier offensive po[icy tfiat anima[s, no matter
fiow inteffigent, are not affowed on ca1TIJ!.us, Gut fie a[so, wit fiout tfie aGi[ity to
read, fiad to convince tfie admissions office tfiat fi e was w ortfiy of acceptance.
)ltticus' story Gegins wfien fi e was just a kjtten, craving k,now[eage and
askjng questions sucfi as, "Wfiat is virtue?" and "Is virtue a teacfiaG[e thing? "
)ls fie grew, fie found tfiat institutes of [earning wouftf not accept fiim. Jljter
)ltticus fieard aGout St. Jo fin's fie k,new tfiat tfiis was tfie pface to come.
J{e fiad a friend witfi opposaG[e tfiumGs post a picture of )l tticus fookjng
mefancfiory on tfie internet and askfd for support. '[fie picture Gecame an
internet sensation. Witfi over one fiundred tfiousand notes on 'TumGfr and siJ(
fiundred tfiousand retweets, and even Gecoming a popu[ar meme for a so[id
day and a !iaft it Gecame fiard to ignore )ltticus'.
'Tfiougfi fi e aoes not speak, <Engfrsh, cannot read, and needs a fitt er Go:ic and
cat food, )ltticus was acceptea into St. Jolin 's, and it was discfosed tfiat,
since fie fiad no concept of currency, tfie )ldmissions office offered fiim a juff
ride scfiofarsfiip. )ltticus fias made a Grave step for alt cat-Bnc[, so f eeC(ree
to congratufate our new peer if you see fiim watkjng around camp_us. <f'(ease
Ge aware, tfiougfi, tfiat is in ]act offensive to confuse fiim with tfie foca[
raccoon, wfio was spotted again recentry after tfie fong winter. If you wisfi to
address tfie raccoon, fie fias Geen duGGea )lgamemnon "'l(ing of 'Trasfi" <i(ockft
<i(accoon, and a[so wisfies tfiat peop[e wouftf stop tfirowing beer cans at fiim
wfien fie comes too dose. ~
This Friday, a Buildings & Grounds spokesperson announced that
senior Todd Billings (A'lS) is scheduled to be given the first-ever lifetime achievement award titled Most Annoying Trash. "This is the first
time we've given this award," B&G spokesperson Roy "Rope-A-Dope"
Carter told Badfly reporters, "... or any award, for that matter. And
we're doing it because honestly, we've never seen such consistently
annoying trash come out of one student's room before."
A team of trash analysts has kept careful records of the annoyingness of trash throughout the St. John's campus, and discovered that
the highest concentrations are always found in the trash areas closest
to the residence of Mr. Billings. Recent surveillance footage from his
nearest trash area shows him depositing, within the span of a single
night: a CVS bag full of assorted sharp objects, three dozen half-full
cans of Milwaukee's Best, and a refrigerator-sized cardboard box
filled with loose packing peanuts.
When interviewed as to why he decided to leave half a Domino's
pizza in the recycle bin, Mr. Billings replied, "Well, it was a lot of food.
I didn't want it to go to waste. I thought maybe they could turn it into
stationery or one of those post consumer recycled Frisbees. I've been
making an effort to be more environmentally conscious."
While many Johnnies see this award as a rebuke, both parties firmly deny this. "We're honestly just amazed," B&G spokesperson Carter
told the Badfly, "I mean, we're used to picking up annoying trashthat's part of the job. But this guy's trash is annoying to the point
where it's like, 'Hats off.' You know? I mean, we didn't even think this
kind of annoyingness was possible."
Mr. Billings had a similar take on the matter: "Yeah, I'm pretty
psyched about it, actually. It makes me feel like I've really had an
impact on this community. Like, I've never really been all that great
at Greek or French. And I'm kind of so-so in Seminar and Math
and whatnot. But when I look at that award, I'll be able to think to
myself, 'I was truly outstanding at something.' And you know, like
Socrates probably said, any action can be virtuous. I think Socrates
. would be proud of me." ~
L...------------~-,,,(~)
:>
! Jrl~~I! ltl1J
mmnm~
~~®"R!gDJ
~m~~!I
In natura constricta et vexata,
Dr. Jack Brews, Ph.D
Jllmmfm~~Q
#RaceTogether
F
A
fter the fifth Frank Underwood quote, the Sophomore seminar had enough. "We
wanted to throw something at her," says one her peers. "Are you really going to try
to defend Machiavelli with the opening scene of House of Cards? Like, are you for real?!"
That is the reaction coming out of the seminar on Machiavelli's Prince, where a Sophomore reportedly only referenced the TV show House of Cards for the entire seminar. Says
a classmate, "We were just going along, having a great discussion, and he brings this shit
up. I mean, at least, bring up Season 3, if you are going to give a half-convincing argument." Another one of her peers was more upset she never referenced Clare Underwood.
"Once we started wondering about the Prince's virtue, she went on and on about Frank
Underwood, but without ever mentioning the sexiest person on the show, Clare. How is
that even possible?" The student in question, who requested anonymity, said: "I mean, I
thought I was focusing on what was important." ~
or once ever, the United States wants to
come together and have a real dialogue
about an important issue, thought Johnnie
Philip Anderson when he learned about
Starbuck's new campaign, called "Race Together". "Okay, really, the campaign only
inflates the ego of a gentry liberal billionaire CEO, but what the hell?" Philip told
his friend, on their way to Farbucks. "An
excuse to ask philosophical questions is
an excuse to ask philosophical questions."
Immediately arriving at the counter, Philip
asked the barista, "When is civil disobedience justified?" The barista stopped what he
was doing, and the two of them had an engaging conversation on the issue for nearly
three hours. Then, the barista was fired. ~
�UPCOMING
E VENTS
Tuesday 03/24
All kazoo marching band practice
on the roof of Mellon.
4AM
Dining Hall serving sauteed campus bunny-get it while it's hot!
11:30AM
Wednesday 03/25
All classes meet as scheduled ...
upside down?
9AM
Impromptu horseback Frisbee
game on quad followed by horseback ice cream social in McDowell 33 .
2:31 PM
Screening of educational film, "So
You Married A Johnnie?" in FSK.
8PM
Thursday 03/26
SPRJNG BREAK BEGINS
AGAIN!!!
lOPM
Friday 03/27
Lecture: All Program authors
return from the dead to wordlessly
throw pies at each other for an
hour and a half. No Q&A session.
8PM
If you would like to see your
event on the weekly schedule,
please email sjca.gadfly@
gmail.com.
~ · ~ ~!?~
Gl~ «IID'il'il~ ~~
NCAA TO INVESTIGATE POSSIBLE WRONGDOING IN Sr.
JOHN'S ATHLETIC DEPT AND CONSIDER LIFETIME SANCTIONS
I
t was only a matter of time. Following high-profile scandals in Syracuse basketball, University of North Carolina basketball and football, and the once storied and unimpeachable
backgammon program at Princeton, St. John's now finds itself embroiled in its own version,
which school officials are calling "outrageous", "an insult to our academic identity", and "a
good laugh". The NCAA Committee for Integrity and Honesty in Wicket-Based Athletics announced on Friday that it is opening an investigation of the centuries-old croquet program,
looking specifically into how players are recruited, how strictly their academic requirements are
enforced, and how alleged perks-monetary and otherwise-have been channeled to them for
years. CAIHWBA spokesperson Brouha Strictnorm confidently stated, "Well, it's a very tough
decision to make, there are a lot of balls in the air and on the field and whatnot. The truth is,
we're really looking for the deciding factor to push our decision one way or the other."
Indeed, eyebrows have been rising for some time around campus, with the appearance
of subtle but suspicious signs that the balance between academics and athletics at St. John's
was shifting. The gleaming 24,000-person capacity Mallet Dome facility, which appeared
suddenly during Spring Break 2010 and all but dwarfed
FSK; the hiring of a former University of Oklahoma ' '
Indeed, eyebrows
Athletic Director as the Assistant Dean of Admissions;
have been rising for
the housing of croquet players in the Varsity Yacht; not
some time around
to mention the ever-growing share of incoming students
campus.
with physiques resembling more that of an Olympic
athlete than of a student of Olympus.
Not everyone is so sure that something is amiss, however. One anonymous student (who 's
a junior, living on the 3rd floor at Gilliam) opined, "I guess it kind of makes sense now, but I
really didn't think there was anything unethical going on with croquet players. I mean, I did
think it was kinda strange that they were allowed to Facetime into seminars, and that when they
did participate it was usually to say something like 'Yeah, what he said', but it never occurred
to me that they were getting special treatment or anything like that. I thought it was just another
example of St. John's' constant push to innovate and embrace new technology".
Another student, who we'll call Shillabong Engelhoof: "Sure, yeah, there's the yacht, the cars,
the 'no-show' courses with no reading requirements and only a diorama as the final project, but I
thought this was in keeping with the St. John's philosophy that every student personally design
and customize his/her own study program that best fit his/her needs."
Ultimately, St. John's will have to decide which is more important, the lure of the funds
coming from alumni boosters and television rights for the post-season tournaments or the purity
of its academic mission. Some are defending the croquet program, arguing that it goes hand-in
hand with everything the school stands for. As the current Assistant Croquet Coach Falable
Croinkerblust-Head Coach Spratt was on a recruiting trip to Turks and Caicos, and therefore
unavailable-put it, "Of course, right now everyone's piling on the croquet program, but they
don't realize that it's because of high-profile revenue sports that other, niche sports at St. John's
like basketball, soccer, and tennis are possible. Do you think St. John's could afford to have
its precious intramural soccer field if it weren't for the money croquet brings in? Oh, and this
'Great Books' thing the school is so proud of. Do you have any idea how dusty those old books
get? Do you think they think they get dusted for free?" ~
Sophomore's Mediocre Essay on
Dante Improved by Elaborate
Page-by-Page Illustrations
�
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Title
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
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Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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Barajas, Sebastian (Editor-in-Chief)
Tretina, Allison (Editor-in-Chief)
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The Badfly, Vol. XXXVI Issue 12 [The Gadfly]
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2015-03
Description
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Special Issue of The Gadfly, entitled The Badfly. Published March 2015. (Mislabeled as Vol. XXXVI Issue 5, October 21, 2014)
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Vol. 36 Badfly
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Annapolis, MD
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St. John's College
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English
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text
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pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
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aeb3b1d818aed116dac351eabcaaab2b
PDF Text
Text
THE
BADFLY
!"#$%&&'()
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St. John’s College • 60 College Ave, Annapolis, MD 21401 • October 21, 2014 • Vol. XXXVI • Issue 5
:**+&./".%#'4;'<;/"'=+%/%/
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
02
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,24(1.(<0*;@.-(%*14)Founded in 1772, the Badfly is an internataionl newsmagazine distributed to over 600
students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis
campus.
Opinions expressed within are the sole
responsibility of the author(s). The Badfly reserves the right to reject, reject, and
reject submissions in any way necessary
to publish a professional, informative,
and thought-provoking newsmagazine.
The Badfly meets on the Lower Level of the
BBC, once a semester.
! "#$$
Sebastian Barajas • Editor-in-Chief
Allison Tretina • Editor-in-Chief
Kira Anderson • Managing Editor
Jonathan Gordon • Staff
Jake Israel • Staff
Frederick Nesfield • Staff
Jensen Pratt • Staff
% &'"()*+"&(!
Anthony Cole
Henry Whittemore
Style
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C
urrent freshman Cutch Bassidy returned to his hometown of Bowie Maryland
during the long weekend. He hoped to spread his newfound love of Ancient
Greek to his high school friends. Upon returning home, Bassidy was shocked to learn
that no one cared that he understood an outdated and unspoken language. “My flabber is gasted,” Bassidy stated, “I thought for sure that everyone would be so excited
to learn how to translate a language that literally no one speaks anymore.” After being
home for about a day, Bassidy visited his childhood friend who joined a fraternity at
the University of Maryland.
Bassidy’s friend, Charlie McDouche, agreed to speak with the Badfly about seeing
his old friend after half of a semester at St. John’s College: “That kid is so annoying!
Seriously, a few months at that liberal arts school and he won’t shut up about seeking
truth and becoming a philosopher king. You want to know what the first thing he said
to me was? ‘What is virtue and can it be taught?’ Who asks things like that? How about
‘hello’ or ‘how are you’?” McDouche continued by saying, “The worst part was when
he started talking about Ancient Greek. He spent like 45 minutes trying to parse my
fraternity’s motto. Apparently we had a word in the genitive when we should have had
it in the dative— whatever that means.”
When Bassidy returned to St. John’s College he was clearly distraught. When asked
to comment on how he was feeling, Bassidy stated that he was “shocked at how little
people care about Ancient Greek. Sure, it plays little to no part in modern affairs and
has absolutely no effect on the average person’s day-to-day tasks, but it’s still kind of
cool, right?”
It was clear that Cutch Bassidy had learned a valuable lesson about life as a Johnnie:
St. John’s students aren’t impressed by your knowledge of Ancient Greek, and neither
is anyone else. !
!"#$%&'()*+(,+-'./+()
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5'6/')7(/./'./+()
In a surprising change of tradition, St. John’s College will no
longer host a convocation ceremony for new students. Instead,
incoming freshmen will be required to be initiated into a group
that is being unofficially referred to as “SJC La Familia.”
It is unclear as to what this initiation will entail. But it is speculated that all freshman will be “jumped in” rather than sign in
at the registrar. In addition, the student handbook will be rewritten. Some changes include the addition of a new code of
conduct. New rules of this code include: no set trippin’, snitches
get stitches, money over everything, respect La Familia, and remember the omerta. St. John’s College also replaced their disciplinary procedures with a simple “blood in blood out” policy.
Sources refused to elaborate on any details concerning this policy.
In an effort to build comradeship between students, all Johnnies will be taught a unique hand signal to greet one another.
This hand signal can also help Johnnies express their love for
their school and show others what school they represent.
Student Services has implemented a new program that will
allow current students to help and be of service to their peers.
One La Familia member commented that this program, referred
to as the “Death Before Dishonor Program,” will allow Johnnies
to “hold it down for each other” and “put a clappin’ to fools
who step to La Familia.”
The changes don’t stop there. Don “The Boss” Nelson, the
head of SJC La Familia could not be reached for comment,
but Jennifer “Loca” Sandler, a shot caller within La Familia,
agreed to comment on some of the recent changes. Sandler
stated that St. John’s College will no longer use the Common
Application. Instead, prospective students will be required
to “put in work” for La Familia to prove their loyalty. Also,
SJC will no longer charge students tuition. Instead, students
will pay for their schooling by “puttin’ down for La Familia.”
Since these changes took effect, the amount of applicants
for the college has decreased 98%. The college has also received harsh criticism from organizations such as the FBI,
DEA, Interpol, and the Maryland State Department of
Education. The Princeton Review is calling these changes
“harsh”, “crazy”, and “illegal.” In response to the criticism,
one anonymous source in the admissions office stated that
“They ain’t gotta like it ‘cause the hood gone love it.”
In a recent letter sent to the Badfly with no return address,
Don Nelson stated, “Incoming freshmen will still receive
their own lexicons. This is a school after all.” !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
Future News
03
!"#$%&'()*+",-
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100 Years in the future, alumnus Hussein
Chang-Longshanks works as an industrial philosopher on a mining facility in the most dangerous reaches of space.
What is your current job?
I am currently an industrial philosopher working in the android
resources department on an asteroid mine in the Rho-12 belt. I’m
essentially available 27/7 (that’s asteroid time) to help our androids
adjust to sentience while they extract helium-3 and other raw
materials that are needed back on the colonies. How it typically
works is, they schedule an appointment and then we sit in my office
and talk over the nature of their souls, and in this way I try to help
them find answers for themselves.
Any general advice, especially for an upperclassman who is
interested in this field but is not quite sure what to do?
If you have the time, go camping on an asteroid. Try doing all the
things you would normally do on Earth. That means showering,
eating, making coffee, sleeping, exercising, etc. Try to live as
normally as possible. If you survive two days and feel no hint of
impending insanity, then this job might be a fit for you.
How did you market yourself with a St. John’s degree?
Are you kidding? The field is snatching up philosophers like crazy
right now. And in case you haven’t noticed, St. John’s is the NASA
Did you attend other schools after St. John’s
No. Unless you count my six-month Workplace Sensitivity and of philosophy.
Space Safety course at the University of Colorado.
How would you characterize your field as a whole? Is it
Did you know what you wanted to do while attending St. accessible to newcomers or difficult to enter? Stable or fluid?
Etc.
John’s?
Initially, I wanted to be a doctor and run a practice like in the old While the field of industrial philosophy is very accessible to
days. But due to my $51,500,000 student debt and pressure from Johnnies (and pays handsomely) this career has a high turnover
simply because of—again, I cannot stress this enough—space
my parents, I ended up having to get a real job.
debris. Planetary atmosphere is never to be taken for granted.
Did St. John’s help prepare you for work in the field?
In some ways my current environment is a lot like St. John’s. What was your senior essay topic?
The androids I work with are a great bunch, very inquisitive and I wrote about Gorgias. I think Socrates drew a beautiful connection
eager to learn, even when they struggle with a concept like “rage.” between body and soul by likening the art of philosophy to the
Sometimes I’ll read them a passage from the Iliad to try and art of doctoring: a connection that still holds true even though he
illustrate what I’m talking about. While it does help on occasion, renounces it in later dialogues. And while this reading was what
inspired my initial desire to become a doctor, I suppose being an
sometimes it just seems to confuse them.
industrial philosopher is a reasonable compromise.
St. John’s also prepared me for the fact that there won’t always
be an easy answer. This is something non-Johnnies don’t always What is your favorite book on the Program?
understand. The guys on the engineering crew hear that I went to While Gorgias is definitely a close second, I’m going to have to
St. John’s, and the first thing they ask is, “So what is virtue? And go with Tolkien’s The Hobbit. Because it’s the only program
can it be taught?” And when I tell them I don’t know, they scoff at book written for children, it gets at the human condition in a
me and mutter about how they’d get fired for giving an answer like way seen nowhere else at St. John’s. With Bilbo, we experience
an odyssey from a childlike perspective, in a world that at first
that. Poor engineers. They’re underpaid, in my opinion.
seems wonderful, but gradually becomes tinged with sadness and
loss. It’s especially sobering, considering that this adventure is
What didn’t St. John’s prepare you for?
Two words: space debris. Back on Earth, you hear a lot about space only the “doorstep” before the Lord of the Rings books (which are
debris on the news alongside stories about time-travel conspiracies third, fourth, and fifth on my list, because I feel they drag a bit).
and space-yetis, so you don’t think it’s a real thing. But believe me,
Do you find that you lead a philosophical life?
it’s real. Space can and will kill you.
Of course. While sometimes I do get tired of philosophy, and wish
I could just eat pizza and play a few rounds of 5D Tetris, I realize
Any specific disadvantages to a St. John’s background?
Space debris management training. Seriously, we need to deal with that this isn’t really escaping philosophy. I’m still thinking about
this stuff before it crashes through both hulls and into the break which blocks to move, I’m still contemplating the taste of the
pizza, and later I’ll wonder why I prefer pizza and 5D Tetris to
room while I’m taking a shower.
sitting at work helping existentially puzzled androids understand
love. It is fascinating, is it not, that we can become tired of the
most important questions that exist?
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
Badness
04
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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I
n an enlightening interview, the Badfly learned that current sophomore Zed
Leppelin still doesn’t know how to sing Flood of Babylon even after singing it at
least once a week for the past year and a half.
Badfly reporters caught up with Mr. Leppelin and asked him why he can’t seem
to remember how to sing the song. “I don’t know. I just never really paid attention
during freshman chorus; I was always either half asleep or hung over. So, no, I don’t
remember how to sing ‘Flood of Babel’. Sue me.” Leppelin, a member of the bass
section, went on to add, “I mean, I know how to sing the first few measures of the
song, but after a while I just start humming and mumbling, hoping that no one
notices that I’m not actually singing.”
Zed’s fellow sophomores were asked to comment on the issue. Joah Nones, a
soprano, had this to say: “I don’t really know what to say. How can you not know
how to sing this song? We sang it like 10 times every class. I mean, come on! The
entire song is like 3 goddamn sentences. It is not that hard.”
Near the end of the interview we asked Mr. Leppelin what he thought of another
beloved song: “Sicut Cervus.” Zed rolled his eyes and replied, “Uh, it’s pronounced
‘circuit.’ For a reporter you’re not too bright.” "
!91'+-(
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An unnamed freshman here at St. John’s,
Annapolis, has recently come to me and
confessed something so deeply entertaining
and disturbing that I must share it with
all those who will listen. My anonymous
source, whom I will call “E. G. Glives,” came
up to me while I was sitting in the Yew tree
beside Humphreys. She asked, “Do ya wanna
see something cool?” Being the curious soul
that I am, I asked her what it was. She then
produced a small, yellow chick from beneath
her jacket. It had pooped in her hand, but I
don’t think that she noticed.
She was enamored with the small thing.
“I stole it from lab,” she declared, petting
it with one finger. “Named him Mufasa.
I put him under a lamp in my room and
turned him for a while, and then- BAM! He
hatched.” She then confessed that she had
always wanted to hold a chick, and
this was her reason for stealing the
creature and saving it from dissection.
“Besides,” she chuckled, “This is the
only way I could pick up chicks.”
I asked her what she planned to
do with the animal, but she simply
shrugged. “I have no clue,” she
responded. “But do any of us really
know what to do with anything?” she
asked in her innocent freshman daze.
As she walked away, I simply stared
after her, wordless, wondering how
the chicken would survive, how the
girl would deal with the fine that she
would have to pay if anyone found out,
and how in god’s name she managed to
sleep with the light in her room on for
24 hours straight for 22 or so days. "
You have already met your significant other. August 2nd, 2011. Don’t you remember?
No? Well, then. You are destined to live a
life of loneliness and heartbreak for eternity.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stop. Do not read further in this edition.
Misfortune awaits you. Continue reading,
and you will become self-aware. Aware of
your clothes against your skin, your tongue
in your mouth, how your breaths are coming in too slow or too fast. Self-aware. Do
not continue to read.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Remember this phrase: linear and punctual apples. You will need it. Good luck.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Your subjective, fleeting beauty will start
a war. Perhaps in yourself, perhaps in others, perhaps across the universe. Don’t
worry. The outcome will be violent and
disappointing regardless of who is fighting
whom.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The character you most resemble is Xerxes. Learn from his mistakes. Rule yourself.
Rule the world. Rule the infinite nothingness that will consume everything at the
end of all.
Virgo (August 21 – September 22)
There is a monster under your bed. It is
merely a human child. You must raise it.
Accept your new task and embrace the
greatest horror of all: responsibility.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Your roommate does not actually exist.
Think. Think hard. How do you know your
roommate is real? You don’t.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Moths.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December
21)
You feel strangely compelled to write a
Gadfly article. Do it. It will be bad. Do it
anyway. Embrace your mediocrity.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Get back to your roots. Learn about the big
bang. Remember your shared nothingness
with the rest of the universe. Fear the end
and the beginning.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Do not make decisions this month. In fact,
do not make decisions ever. Or… maybe do.
The choice is yours. Live the dream. Or
don’t. It’s up to you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After months of your Kant-related puns,
THere is nothing hEre for you aLl; there is
great Pain and Most cannot feEl it. . . but it
is still tHerE, Little do People know. !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
Literature & Fine Arts
05
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9%(,$.)*$&#&1)4:#0&;/(+&<+$:++(&1=+*$%.>
-/""/#?@&A+""%(&B#""@&#(6&CD+&E)#65 “It’s just
too far to walk.”
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H.%?&)(/%(5
!F)(/%.&$#I+,&H/.,$&,D%:+.&,/(*+&H.+,D?#(&
0+#. “It wasn’t so bad,” he says.
!F)(/%.&1+?/(#.&J#(G$&KL+(: As of 10:34pm, an
entire Freshman Seminar has gone missing. Last seen entering Mellon Hall around 8pm. Please contact local authorities
if you have information about their whereabouts.
!7%(& E)/M%$+& 1/8D$+6& %(& <#*I& 9#?=),5
Reports have been received of a duel with Navy’s Water
Tower.
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The Ebola crisis in the U. S. took another
alarming turn Sunday with word that the
first dog has caught the disease: Cady,
the St. John’s campus dog. Amid growing
concern, President Barack Obama cancelled
a campaign trip to address the outbreak
and vowed that his administration would
respond in a “much more aggressive way.”
By late Sunday evening, the U. S. military
formed a 30-person “quick-strike team” to
evacuate the dog from the college premises.
The animal hospital expects to keep the
dog detained for at least the next month or
so. “We were not ready for this,” one of the
doctors told the press. “We never imagined
that Ebola could be transmitted from people
to animals.” Although two of the four
patients in the U.S. appear to be recovering
from the disease, it is too early to determine
how a dog will recover, if it all.
Nationwide people have been extending
their sympathies to Cady’s caretaker, a
senior resident on campus, as well as her
regular walker, Marybeth Beydler. When
investigators asked each of them about the
incident, Marybeth replied, “I am not very
upset that she has Ebola. It is sad. But I
am more upset that I no longer have a job.”
Cady’s caretaker expressed relief, “I have
been taking care of this dog long enough. It
is nice to finally have some time off.” !
A
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s we all know, the Mitchell Gallery strives to bring about interesting exhibits
that both tantalize and amaze students and the citizens of Annapolis.
Recently, though, few students have been visiting, so the directors put their heads
together and came up with a new concept that would unite everyone in interest:
a collection of different art pieces that detail phalluses throughout time. I was
privileged to penetrate the sacred hall of art to see what would soon be open to the
public. There are some Grecian vases, elaborately painted, with phalluses across
them. There are several homoerotic Roman paintings which cling to the walls like
lovers at night. The climax of the exhibit comes in the form of a replication of a page
from one of Leonardo da Vinci’s notebooks; on this page are two elaborately drawn
pieces of anatomy from the celebrated artist himself. If this peaks your interest, stay
tuned. The Mitchell Gallery will soon release more information about when this
exhibit will be open to the public. !
!"#$%&'()&#$*(+*,*-(!#./$/'(%0(
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The Columbia Journalism Review, committed to high journalistic standards, has
begun a short series on undergraduate newspapers around the country, beginning
with the Gadfly. The investigative series revieals that Gadfly editors write seveneighths of their articles themselves, under assumed names. Of the one-eighth not
written by the editors, most of the articles come from the Alummni Office and a tutor.
The Alumni Office contributes, because it is part of their job. The tutor contributes,
because he feels “pity” for the editors.
“Most publications large and small are dependent on their staff to produce a
majority of their work,” explained an investigative journalist for CJR. “That’s
understandable. But never do the publications use student’s names for pseudonyms.
That’s absurd!”
According to statistics, last spring marked a dramatic decrease in Gadfly
submissions. Many of the regular contributors had graduated. This left the
publication in dire need of submissions. “The Gadfly has been printing since 1980,”
senior editor Sylvestre Pergerzein explained. “We were left with no choice: either
write the articles ourselves, or let our paper die.” The ultimate hope was in time, the
student body would start to contribute. But that has yet to happen.
For such a small publication, as the Gadfly, the CJR’s series is a great way to get
recognition from those outside the campus. Looking at the final reports, however,
the recognition may not be such a great thing. !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
06
Home & Garden
!"#$ %&'($ '()$ *&+&+,$ -.//
At St. Johns, we do things a little differently. We all have the same
classes, we don’t get grades, and we think Herodotus is much funnier than any normal human being would. Our dining hall is no
exception. I’ve heard my classmates wondering about rules like the
proper way to dispose of dirty dishes, and where you get the trays
from. As an employee of the dining hall, I’d like to clear up some
of that confusion by adding more confusion, but on a deeper and
more lasting spiritual level. Here are some answers to common
questions I’ve heard.
Q. Is there any limit to how much food we can get at the dining hall? Or is it just an all you can eat buffet?
A. The dining hall doesn’t have any hard and fast rules on how
much you are allowed to take. Technically, you can take as much
food as you can fit inside of your body in one sitting. The average
stomach holds about a liter of food, but if you were to hollow out
your chest cavity by removing unnecessary organs like a kidney
or an appendix, and pack the extra space around your organs
with food, it would add another two to three liters of capacity.
So, we’ll say about a gallon maximum. Of course, certain foods
have special rules for how much you can take. Officially, you’re
only allowed three scoops of ice cream per day, and on weekends
only 1.5 pieces of pizza.
Q. Why do we have to put our plates on trays?
A. Unlike a lot of cafeterias, we don’t get trays at the door to put
our food on, but we do have to use them to send our dirty dishes
down to the kitchen. This is clearly part of a mystic feng shui,
and as a bonus trains students to balance a superhuman number of plates and cups in their hands as they carry their food to
the table. But why do we need the trays to send our dishes back?
The answer to this is less obvious, but as a dishwasher I have
learned that the point is to give students a place to properly sort
their leftover food scraps. The procedure for this, though few
people follow it, is fairly simple. After balancing your plates on
top of your cup in the center of the tray, all you have to do is line
any bits of food left on your plate around the edge of the tray in
alphabetical order. So, a typical tray would have an apple core,
crumbs of bread, egg, ketchup, lemon wedge, sauce, and a watermelon rind. Remember, peas go under ‘P’, but chickpeas go
under ‘C’!
Q. Where do my food scraps go?
A. A lot of people who are just starting to use the dining hall
aren’t sure if plates should be cleaned off before being sent down
to the kitchens or not. While I appreciate people trying to be
helpful, It’s important to send all food scraps down to us to collect. This is part of a little tradition we have here at St. Johns,
where every night after dinner the kitchen staff sorts out food
scraps and brings them to a special council of tutors, who burn
them at a brazier in the woods at midnight as an offering to the
Greek gods. It’s crucial for St. John’s to maintain support from
Zeus Almighty by having plenty of food to offer, so please don’t
waste it by throwing it away. In fact, if anyone has any hearts or
livers from large mammals they want to contribute to the brazier, please send them down to us on a tray in the usual way.
Q. What’s the deal with the conveyor belt breaking?
A. The St. Johns dining hall makes an effort to be environmentally friendly by serving humane organic food and by using renewable energy sources whenever possible. Our conveyor belt
is no exception. A miracle of German engineering, the PimmelKanu Plate-Lowerer-Downer system is fueled entirely by theta
waves. A renewable, green energy source, theta waves are naturally generated by the Old Ones, planet sized spider-squid-things
that, according to whispers emanating from campus trash cans
on cold winter nights, will one day consume all life in our universe. Thanks to our designated portal to the Outside in Randall
basement, we can power most of the appliances in the kitchen
off a single ancient hell beast. We like to call her Big Betty. Anyways, sometimes the belt operator forgets the regular sacrifices
Big Betty demands, and in her wrath she has a tendency to drive
them mad, and then the gibbering lunatic tends to smash up important bits of the belt while screaming something about the unknowable void. You know how it goes. On an unrelated note, if
anybody is looking for a work study email Mr. Canto, we have a
new opening for a conveyor belt operator.
Q. How many teeth?
A. This is a question I get a lot, sometimes even from upperclassmen who were here last November and should really know by
now. The answer is, of course, at least 97. And don’t forget, watch
your hands and feet! Seriously, keep watching them. You can
never be too careful!
Q. Do you have any suggestions for getting more variety in
the dining hall?
A. We have a pretty quality dining hall here at St. Johns, but for
students on the 21 meal plan it can get a little monotonous. But
this lack of variety is partly just a lack of imagination on your
part. Next time you’re eating in the dining hall, look around at all
the things you can eat. There’s the food on your plate, sure, but
you’ve already tried that. How about the food on that girl over
there’s plate? With a quick pounce and a few eagle shrieks to distract her, that food too can be yours. Since she got it from the
same place you did, though, it’s probably still pretty similar to
what you’ve been eating. What else around you is edible? What
about the plate itself? Porcelain doesn’t contain very much protein or fiber, but it does have some important vitamins and minerals and can be very filling. If you’re looking for a salad, wood
from tables and chairs makes an excellent source of vegetable
matter. What about meat? Look to your left. Look to your right.
Look across the teeth marked remnants of your table. Unless
you’re just the loneliest dork on campus, there’s a person sitting
in at least one of those seats. Guess what people are made of? So,
you see, it’s not the dining hall that’s restricting the variety in
your diet, but your own inhibitions.
I hope this little guide has been helpful and informative. There
are a lot of questions I haven’t even been able to get to, but if you
want to know more about your local dining hall just ask an employee next time you’re in there. Just preface your question by
chanting Klaas d’kell, mistkerl oohleh: “I bind you, creature of the
Deep, to obey my will and give answer to my questions!” We’ll
be happy and physically bound to help. See you all at dinner! !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
07
Advanced Neuro-Physics
!"#$%&'()*+*,%-.'/0$1&$#'2.'345167/)819$:
student, wishing not to be identified, approached Badfly
reporters whilst they lay slumbering in their beds, to praise
their so-called “Dick-Article.”
“It made my day,” said the unnamed Johnnie, “It really did. I
was having a rough morning: smashing my head against the wall
in Math, and then nursing my swolen head in Greek, and then
spending three hours at the Health Center being treated for mild
head trauma during my lunch hour. I was stumbling back to my
dorm, when someone—as I recall, it was the Lord God of Abraham
and the Israelites—pushed this Badfly issue into my hand. I flipped
it open, and the first thing I saw was this teriffic picture of two
dicks drawn by Leonardo da Vinci. And at that moment, believe
it or not, I was cured—not just of the head trauma, but of my
confusion about Ptolemy, Aristotle, and every other reading that’s
;5<=)$>$'?,>@'A5%=B.'
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W
hile previously, students were required to dispose of their
cigarette butts in the ashtrays distributed every four and
a half feet across campus, a new policy was recently enacted,
allowing them to simply deposit their butts anywhere.
“The whole campus is basically an ashtray anyway,” a highranking St. John’s official lamented, “We figure, why bother
fighting it anymore?”
However, this new policy has shown unexpected results. When
asked why he walked three feet out of his way in order to dispose
of his butt in an ashtray, senior Pratton Spewitt replied, “Because
I’m stickin’ it to the man, see? The man don’t respect you if you
follow his rules. If I drop a cigarette on the ground, it’s like I’m
dropping a cigarette on FREEDOM!!!” The senior then proceeded
to put his hand over his heart, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner
at the top of his voice.
This, in turn has provided another difficulty for the College,
which had hoped to pawn the campus ashtrays for in excess $12
each. “We came in there ready to take the things out,” reports
Timothy “Torque” Jenkins of Building & Grounds, “There were
a bunch of students standing holding hands around the ashtrays
singing Cumbaya or some sh*t. Like they were saving a tree.”
Whether or not the ashtrays should be forcibly removed has
become a controversial issue. Some St. John’s officials argue that
the $12 per ashtray could mean the critical difference between
another year of Socrates and Chaucer, and bankruptcy for the
College. Others point to the new campus pride and the clean
walkways, and argue that we are now better-off. However this
situation resolves itself, campus smoking culture will never be the
same. !
ever given me trouble. ‘Of course,’ I said to myself, ‘Uniform
circular motion. I get it. And that which is potentially totally
is acted on by what is actually, such that the former and the
latter are the same in kind. It all makes sense now. Thanks,
Aristotle!’ Of course, people told me I couldn’t have seen the
dicks, since this issue hadn’t come out yet. “But I know that
this was a sign.” As to what the sign meant, the student would
only say, “Read the Old Testament. You’ll figure it out.”
In the meantime, the student donated all of his personal
wealth—totalling $418.33—to the Badfly for the express
purpose of including phallic and otherwise dick-related
materials in future issues. The Badfly accepted, with the
intention of utilizing the funds for the purchase of 35 pizza
combo meals, including cheesey breadsticks and drinks. !
Q: If Thrasymachus had beat up
Socrates and made him agree to
his definition of Justice, would
Thrasymachus be just? !
!"##$%#&
A
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3216#7'7)8-1.
Recently, some vagabond wrote graffiti on the ceiling of
Humphrey’s common room. It reads, simply, “Gullible.” Longtime Humphrey’s resident, Cat Baldwin, mentioned this to
me, in all earnesty, nearly crying with laughter. She chased
me down, her eyes brimming with hysteric tears, and said,
“Gullible. It’s written on the ceiling.” She took me by the
hand and led me to the Humphrey’s common room. Indeed,
upon the ceiling, upon the mold-ridden ceiling, it is written in
pencil, and very shakily so. So thank you, Cat Baldwin. Thank
you for your service to the community. !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
08
!"#$%&'"#&()#!"%&'"
Be aware. Be very aware. Quick, look to your left! Nope, that
wasn’t fast enough. You need to work on your neck turning skills.
You’ll need them this week. There’s something out there. Everyone
said they weren’t real, couldn’t be real. But they are. And they’re
here. They could be right behind you. Seriously, you need to do
that faster. Do some neck exercises. They could be waiting in your
closet. Well, not your closet, you’ve got too much shit in there.
But someone’s closet. The asexuals. They’re coming for you.
Well, we aren’t sure what they’re coming for, but they’re being
awfully quiet and mysterious about it, so they’ve got to be up to
something. And what’s with the not liking sex? That’s suspicious.
Have you ever seen a dick? Everybody likes those. So you’ve got
to be aware. Train yourself, watch the shadows. Practice looking
behind you quickly in class, to see if you can catch one out of the
corner of your eye. They’re fast. With all the time they’ve saved
not fucking people, they have trained their bodies and minds,
honed their skills until they can fade seamlessly into the night.
You won’t even see them until they’re upon you, knives drawn. Or,
you know, some less phallic weapon. A garrote maybe? Be ready.
Be aware of the asexuals. !
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Incoming freshman leaves St. John’s within two weeks.
“The website explicitely stated that they have electives,” he
explained. “Then, I get here and realize that ‘electives’ really
meant studying Wealth of Nations for over a month. I was
disappointed.” The student is now enrolled at University of
Maryland, studying graphic design. !
SOPHOMORE MUSIC CLASS
STUDIES LADY GAGA
Sophomores will be “taking a break” from the St. Matthew’s
Passion, an anonymous tutor told the Badfly. “Every year we
struggle to find a composer who surpasses Bach. This year we
think we have found one: Lady Gaga.” Many of the other tutors
expressed disappointment. “This decision might be worse than
Siegelvision.” But after a few heated meetings on the issues, the
tutors resolved that it will be good to finally think about Judas
in another light.
The first class will be on “Bad Romance.”. !
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
An account of the resource
Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
Contributor
An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource
St. John's College Greenfield Library
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
thegadfly
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Page numeration
Number of pages in the original item.
8 pages
Original Format
The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data
paper
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Barajas, Sebastian (Editor in Chief)
Tretina, Allison (Editor in Chief)
Title
A name given to the resource
The Gadfly, Vol. XXXVI, Issue 05 [The Badfly]
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2014-10-21
Description
An account of the resource
Volume XXXVI, Issue 05 of The Gadfly. Special issue entitled The Badfly. Published on October 21, 2014.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Gadfly 36.05 (Badfly)
Coverage
The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant
Annapolis, MD
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
St. John's College
Language
A language of the resource
English
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
text
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
St. John's College owns the rights to this publication.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/6c99d24c164b72969710d595638b0240.pdf
79368fa3e57adde2e3ff7845682231f7
PDF Text
Text
!"#
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photo by Chengyaqing Shi
�The Gadfly
02
The student newspaper
of St. John’s College
60 College Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland 21401
sjca.gadfly@gmail.com
www.issuu.com/sjcgadfly
www.facebook.com/sjcagadfly
Founded in 1980, the Gadfly is the student
newsmagazine distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis
campus.
Opinions expressed within are the sole
responsibility of the author(s). The Gadfly reserves the right to accept, reject,
and edit submissions in any way necessary to publish a professional, informative,
and thought-provoking newsmagazine.
The submission date for the next Gadfly is
forthcoming. As always, articles should be
emailed to sjca.gadfly@gmail.com.
Staff
Nathan Goldman • Editor-in-Chief
Ian Tuttle • Editor-in-Chief
Hayden Pendergrass • Layout Editor
Sasha Welm • Cartoonist
Jonathan Barone • Staff
Andrew Kriehn • Staff
Sarah Meggison • Staff
Charles Zug • Staff
Contributors
Bridget Bergin
Reza Djalal
Melissa Gerace
Alexandria Hinds
Erik G. Neave
Samuel Weinberg
!"#$%&'()*+',-./&&'0)/1$23
C
heck out the new posting on
the dining hall blog to find out
more about the science behind the
processed foods industry, which
tries to captivate consumers by
discovering exactly how our brains
respond to junk food. Do you know
why you can’t stop at “just one”
Cheeto or potato chip? Because it’s
been carefully engineered to make
you want more. From the bliss
point to “vanishing caloric density” to advertising, the production and marketing of junk foods
is a carefully and scientifically researched process.
*http://gastrokitty.blogspot.com/
— Formaggio Elettrico
!"#$#%&'&()'*$!"#$%&'(($)#*'+#,-#
D
on’t miss the first KWP production of the semester! Tennessee Williams’
The Glass Menagerie will play on Tuesday, April 2, and Wednesday, April 3,
at 7 p.m. in FSK. The show is directed by Audra Zook (’13), with the assistance of
Amy Stewart (’13).
The Glass Menagerie, along with A Streetcar Named Desire, is one of Tennessee
Williams’ best-known and best-loved works. The “memory play” revolves around
a small family in St. Louis in 1937: narrator Tom Wingfield (Danny Kraft, ’13), an
aspiring poet who spends his dreary days working in a shoe factory; his cripplingly
shy sister, Laura (Rebekah Bentum, ’13); and their domineering mother, Amanda
(Dani Nelson, ’14), a Southern
belle whose husband ran
off years before. The play’s
tragedy centers on Amanda’s
obsessive desire to save her
daughter from spinsterhood
through the person of
gentleman
caller
Jim
O’Connor (Raymond Lau, ’16).
Almost 70 years after
its premiere, The Glass
Menagerie remains one of the
foremost works of American
theatre. Don’t miss KWP’s
limited-time production!
H
45567$68'9$*861$&%':#;<'
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ello, Polity! The Admissions Office will be hosting the annual Accepted Students Day on Saturday, April 13th. This is a large event which takes place in
all major spaces on campus. It is a wonderful event for the Class of 2017: for some,
it is their first experience on campus; others are seasoned visitors and are taking
this opportunity to get to know their potential classmates.
At this point, these students have been bombarded with plenty of pieces of our
stunning Admissions Propaganda, they’ve watched the Virtual Tour videos, and
they’ve read the book list 1,000 times. They understand the curriculum and our
approach to liberal education. They’re on board with education for education’s
sake, and they’re OK answering the question, “But what do you DO with that?”
from well-meaning relatives, neighbors, teachers and friends for the next four
years. They’re well-read and well-informed about the academic program.
What they are lacking is exposure to the community that lives and breathes
this program. It is the Polity which makes this Program a reality, and their lack
of exposure to the Polity is precisely what we are trying to address at this event.
This exposure is mutual—while we want the Accepted Students to get a sense of
the current Polity, we want you to get a sense of this class too. We’d like you to
meet these students face to face, show them around, tell them about your annual
essay (which should be done by then!) and break bread with them. We’d also like
to have any interested club archons available for an Information Fair (similar to
the All-College Fair in August).
And so, I urge you, comrades and citizens in the Republic, do not let this day’s
distractions become disruptions. Instead, rise up and meet the class of 2017; welcome them to the College. Next fall, these students will join you on the quad after
seminar, sing to you at Freshman Chorus concerts, and marvel at the mysteries
of the axolotls. They will inherit the Gadfly and KWP. They will live next door to
you, sit next to you in the All-College Seminar, and come to you for Greek Assistance. Don’t wait until Convocation to feast your eyes upon the inheritors of your
legacy. Come to the Accepted Students Day and help welcome these students and
their families on April 13th.
For details, or to volunteer time that day, please contact Alexandria Hinds at
410-626-2525 or alexandria.hinds@sjca.edu, or just stop by the Hodson House.
�The Gadfly
03
!"#$%&'()*+&",-
!"#$%&'(#)$*+#'#",-(.$/012
“Find an interesting problem that people need solved
and solve it.” Sir Robert Burbridge, A’05, has done just
that as CEO of Altometrics, Inc., and proves that the
technology world could use a few more Johnnies.
What is your current job?
I’m the CEO of Altometrics, Inc. (altometrics.com). We are a
tech company focusing on “big data” analytics.
pronounced for the College in particular. The week that I
learned that my senior essay was accepted, I remember thinking, “I think I’m finally ready to get a real education.”
Did you attend other schools after St. John’s?
I have not yet, but I’m open and interested.
How did you feel you compared, in graduate school or early jobs, to people from different educational backgrounds,
particularly those with field-related degrees?
I was generally better off than my peers with field-related degrees. That is, they had a short-term advantage, but I have had
a long-term advantage. I had to work harder to compensate
for the lack of technical training early on, but the education I
received during my time at St. John’s facilitated considerably
faster growth in a diverse set of domains. In the end, technical expertise is among the easiest assets to acquire or train; an
expansive, cohesive mental framework is among the hardest.
Did you know what you wanted to do while attending St.
John’s?
Sometimes. I was a “non-traditional” student with some nonacademic experience (I graduated from St. John’s in 2005 at
age 28). I knew I wanted to be engaged in entrepreneurship,
but had (and have) other interests as well. So far I’ve kept entrepreneurship as a central professional aspiration and focus,
while pursuing those other interests non-professionally.
Did St. John’s help prepare you for work in the field?
Absolutely—and in a variety of ways. Some time after graduation, I tried to characterize the nature of the education I acquired through St. John’s—a helpful process, itself. I finally
decided that I had a degree in conversation, with an emphasis
on principled analysis. Some of the particular ideas I encountered in the course of the Program have been of some utility
(especially from the Bible, Socrates, Descartes, Pascal, Kant,
Hegel, Flannery O’Connor, and others). Of vastly greater importance was the exposure to the high caliber thought processes of the writers, philosophers, artists, and so on. I realized that the true value of the Program (to me) was a dedicated
time to examine the underlying mental, emotional, and spiritual mechanics of these Great Influencers of the world. The
changes in myself during my time at St. John’s and afterwards
have been a holistic preparation for everything I’ve done since.
What didn’t St. John’s prepare you for?
St. John’s didn’t really prepare me for the particular practice
of any job. That’s OK, because I didn’t expect it to. I worked
as a programmer at Cisco Systems for a few years after graduation, during which I learned about business machination and
technological engineering.
Any specific disadvantages to a St. John’s background?
The biggest disadvantage to a St. John’s background is the
lack of technical training—in anything. Even the philosophical training we get isn’t technical. That’s not a huge obstacle
if you realize it, but thinking that someone comes out of St.
John’s technically prepared to be a philosopher, writer, teacher, or even student (or anything else) could be disappointing.
In fairness, that’s not unique to St. John’s, but it’s especially
Can you describe a general track someone from St. John’s
might take to get into a career in this field?
Generally, getting a couple of years of relevant work experience will go a long way to helping you in an entrepreneurial
endeavor. Find an interesting problem that people need solved
and solve it. Johnnies are among the best equipped people in
the world to solve interesting problems interestingly.
Any general advice, especially for an upperclassman who
is interested in this field but is not quite sure what to do?
A Johnnie interested in programming should either work
on some interesting projects on their own or get involved in
someone else’s (an open source project, for example). Taking
a few summer classes may help too. A Johnnie interested in
entrepreneurship (especially in an executive capacity) should
get good at team building. Learn to identify your weaknesses and strengths and find others who are complementarily
skilled or talented.
How did you market yourself with a St. John’s degree?
My first real job out of college was as a software engineer for
Cisco Systems. The interview was a little bit strange, but I
answered the questions candidly and without concern for the
outcome. In particular, when they asked me why they should
hire me, since I didn’t have any formal training in software
development or programming (I’m self-taught), I told them
that if they want a mechanic to execute instructions well, they
should not hire me; there’s probably someone else applying
who can execute better, sooner. If, however, they are looking to hire real talent who will bring a creative, rigorous, and
Continued On
Pg. 04
�The Gadfly
04
Continued From
Pg. 03
broad view to any challenge that arises,
then it would be a grave mistake to pass
up on the opportunity to hire me—due in
large part to the nature of my education at
St. John’s. They hired me.
How would you characterize your field
as a whole? Is it accessible to newcomers or difficult to enter? Stable or fluid? Etc.
Tech and entrepreneurship are both pretty accessible to newcomers. It’s pretty
easy to enter, but can be tough to excel.
The main reason is that entrepreneurship
is highly volatile.
What was your senior essay topic?
My senior essay was about the relationship between the continuous and discrete; in particular, about the asymmetry
between analysis and synthesis (e.g., a line
fully describes all the points on it—analysis—but any number of points cannot describe a line fully—synthesis). I looked at
it with a mind towards the involvement of
human perception and cognition in our
construction of ways to address the odd
disparity between the way the functions
of analysis and synthesis operate on what
we perceive as continuous and discrete.
What is your favorite book on the Program?
That’s a really tough question. Some small
elements of various books have proven
to be immensely valuable to me: for example, several of Pascal’s pensées have
become long-term themes of personal
growth for me. Several parts of the New
Testament have been utterly transformational for me. Parts of Kant’s Critique of
Judgment (precept), such as the encounter with the sublime, affected me a lot.
Do you find that you lead a philosophical life?
Yes, to the best of my ability. I would definitely sacrifice “success” or “progress” for
wisdom. I believe the proverb: “Wisdom
is foremost; though it cost you all you
have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).
I have four excellent kids and my wife
(also a Johnnie) and I focus on that as a
principal endeavor with them. Whenever
I encounter an idea, I think the most important thing I can do is follow it with the
question, “How, then, shall I live?” !
Habemus Papam!
Pope Francis I Takes the World Stage
Melissa Gerace
A
A’15
fter Pope Benedict XVI’s brave sion has been reached, and white to
announcement that he would step signal the election of the next pope.
down, leaving the seat of St. Peter empThis year, conclave began on Tuesty, the world wondered who would be day, February 12, and ended the folselected to take his place. At times, lowing afternoon. The world watched
the media seemed to be in an uproar the chimney atop the Sistine Chaat the very rare instance of abdication, pel, anxiously awaiting the sight of
seeming to forget that the Catholic white smoke. It came just after 7 p.m.,
Church has been selecting new popes CET. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergofor thousands of years. Misinforma- glio of Argentina had been chosen.
tion and misconceptions were every- Bergoglio is the first non-European
where. Catholics might have been pope, the first Jesuit, the first Latin
asked bewildering questions such as: American, and the first to choose the
“Will the new pope allow contracep- name “Francis”—the media has altion?” or “Will the new pope allow ready taken to calling him “the ponwomen to become priests?” I know I tiff of firsts.” Bergoglio, at seventy-six
was, and found myself at rather a loss. years old, is a humble, intellectual man
My first instinct was simply to answer, known for his simple style of living,
“Um…no.” However,
doctrinal conservain the list of questism, and dedication
Bergoglio is the first
tions asked beginto Catholic social
non-European pope, justice. His choice of
ning with, “You’re
the first Jesuit, the
Catholic,
right?”,
the name Francis, for
my
favorite
has
St. Francis of Assisi,
first Latin-American,
been, “Who will you
and the first to choose further illustrates
vote for, for pope?”
these
qualities.
the name “Francis”—
Though votes do
Pope Francis I
the media has already greeted his Church
figure in to the selectaken to calling him
tion of a new pope,
on that Wednesday
“the pontiff of firsts.” evening in simple
they do not come
from the laity. Cardiwhite, choosing not
nals cast their vote in conclave. The to step up on a platform which would
law of conclave was begun after the elevate him above the Cardinals. He
election that placed Pope Gregory led all in three well-known, important
X in the seat of St. Peter, an election prayers: the Our Father, Hail Mary,
which lasted over two years and nine and Gloria. In another first, he asked
months. It finally ended when the lo- the crowd of thousands to pray for
cal authorities became fed up with him. In a world full of noise and chathe delay and locked the cardinals in. os, he asked for and received silence
In order to prevent such a scandal in from the gathered crowd, bowing bethe future, Gregory X, in the fifth ses- fore them as they asked for blessing
sion of the Second Council of Lyons, upon him. He followed this by urging
promulgated the law of the conclave. prayer and brotherhood among the
Cardinals are closed in to a room Church, and offering his first blessing.
without partition where no commu- The prayers of the Catholic Church
nication may be had in secret, and no are with Pope Francis I as he begins
message may be sent to the outside. his ministry, and the world is watching
The only communication between with interest to see what the papacy of
the conclave and the world is the fa- this humble, intelligent man will bring.
mous colored smoke from the Sistine It is my opinion that we can expect great
Chapel chimney: black if no deci- things from the “pontiff of firsts.” !
“
�The Gadfly
05
Visiting
Samuel Weinberg
A
A’14
long with Maca Pallares and Grace
Tyson (‘13), I spent a weekend at
Chicago’s Shimer College the second
weekend of spring break. We were there
presenting papers for the ACTC (Association of Core Texts and Courses)
student conference on “Core Texts and
Liberal Education,” along with thirtyseven students from almost as many institutions. Shimer College is a curious
place. Since 2006, it has been housed on
two rented floors of the Illinois Institute of Technology on Chicago’s South
Side. Before that time, the school was
not without its problems—in the late
70s, after a vote from the board of trustees to close the school, the faculty and
students protested, and instead moved
the operation to Waukegan, Illinois,
where they remained until 2006. With
the assistance of Lynne Cheney and the
N.E.H., Shimer was able to stay afloat
and remain relatively fiscally stable.
In 2009, Shimer became embroiled in
a stark ideological battle when another
N.E.H. bigwig, Thomas Lindsay, staged
what many thought was a neo-conservative takeover of the school. Through a no
confidence vote, the faculty and students
of Shimer ousted Lindsay, and in so doing, rid themselves of all the financial security that he would have brought to the
College. When I asked senior Michael
What’s more, though, is how inspiring
Doherty about the decision, he told me the Shimer community’s ardent devothat it was far more important to preserve tion to their work is. Throughout their
the ethos of the place than it would have history and all of the aforementioned
been to, in his words, be “rolling in it.” financial instability, there is a real sense
In any case, Shimer remains certain- that many of the members of the faculty
ly uncertain about its financial future. really believe in what they are doing and
The College currently has around 110 are willing to keep the spirit of Shimer
students and fourteen faculty mem- alive, even if that means renting a floor
bers. While it is a “great books college,” from a technical college. Often, at St.
its program varies from St. John’s’ in John’s, we speak of the inevitable doom
many important ways. While it has a that will come upon us before we know
core curriculum of classes, many classes it, but my visit to Shimer makes me retaken by “Shimerians” are electives, all alize how good we have it. Sure, I will
of which are broken
concede that the future
up into subject headof liberal education
We’re not alone in
ings such as “Humaniseems questionable at
ties,” “Social Sciences,”
valuing liberal educa- best, with the sad fact
“Natural Sciences,” and
that American’s expection and the virtues
“Integrated Studies.” In
tations are tending far
of the Great Books.
their upper level classmore towards demones, Shimer tends much
strable,
vocationally
more towards modernism than we do. oriented education than liberal educaDuring our first meal, one of their pro- tion. That said, it was truly a privilege
fessors (there called “facilitators”) was to speak with so many students from a
truly shocked that Durkheim and Buber school far from ours and recognize our
are nowhere to be found in our studies. overwhelming similarities and prioriBut despite the differences—of which ties. In the national conversation on the
there are many more—we are more simi- future of liberal education, it would be
lar than different. I felt a strange sense of easy to overlook Shimer College, but
camaraderie with the Shimer students my visit there showed me that that is a
whom I spent time with on my Saturday sad thing. Just as the Program has irnight there, and not only because their revocably changed all of us, the educabookshelves were lined with Joe Sachs’ tion the Shimer students have received
translations of Aristotle and the unmis- has been just as valuable for them. Even
takably hued Newton’s Principia: The though I visited Shimer with a healthy
Central Argument. At a student’s apart- dose of incredulity, which I perhaps still
ment, we collectively bemoaned the fact have to a small degree, I left with adthat both institutions are attracting far miration for their commitment to their
fewer students than they should be. This work, and a sense of comfort that we are
was followed by a laugh that was both not alone in valuing liberal education
comforting and slightly disheartening. and the virtues of the Great Books. !
!"#$%&'())*+'!,%-.$/0-1
Chazaq Llinas
Title/topic?
“Reflecting on the Generation of Knowledge,” focusing
on Plato’s Theaetetus
Why this work/topic?
I wanted to understand what knowledge is as it is
coming-into-being, or, what is knowledge when one is
coming to know?
“
Advisor?
Mr. Salem
Writing Period strategy?
The first task was to structure the day: I woke up early,
exercised, meditated, and went to the library. Then, I
was able to focus on the task of reading, thinking, and
writing. The hardest task was to not allow my thought
to be routine. I tried to cultivate a habit of thought that
was both strong and flexible.
Advice?
Let everyone read your paper. Enjoy this rare moment
when all the parts of one’s life share a common telos.
�The Gadfly
06
!"#$%&'$()$*+,-'&.,/#0#,'1 !"#$%&'$(()"*%+,-."
Nathan Goldman
I
A’14
n literary critic Viktor Shklovsky’s
1925 masterwork, Theory of Prose,
he seeks to explain how literature
works in a series of deftly argued
and lyrical essays examining works
as disparate as Don Quixote and the
Sherlock Holmes novels. He delivers:
in the book’s very first chapter, “Art
as Device,” he presents his theory of
art’s function. Shklovsky writes:
but found ways to see and discover
strangeness, complexity, and wonder.
The works alert our attention to this
strangeness: where we might hear the
obvious meaning of the word “knowledge,” Plato heard profound uncertainty; where we see shapes ambling
through the sky, Ptolemy saw the epicycles, elaborate and divine.
Often, the authors even thwart our
normal means of communication and
Automatization eats away at
expression to enstrange. Euclid dethings, at clothes, at furniture, at
fines a point as “that which has no
our wives, and at our fear of war...
part,” and Aristotle interprets the
And so, in order to return sensaworld through the alien concept of
tion to our limbs, in order to make
entelecheia. The notion of enstrangus feel objects, to make a stone feel
ment provides a way of unlocking a
stony, man has been given the tool
text: How and by what means, I might
of art. The purpose of art, then, is
ask, does this work help me re-see evto lead us to a knowledge of a thing
erything around and within me?
through the organ of sight instead
In these cases, the works do the enof recognition.
stranging; our tasks are to look anew
Shklovsky’s term for this process and to investigate the enstrangeis ostraniene; a Russian neologism, ment’s source. Other times, the onus
which translator Benjamin Sher is on us. Studying foundational works
renders as “enstrangement.” Art, is not without its dangers: we may
Shklovsky claims, re-awakens us; it too readily accept familiar ideas or
makes us see objects in their complex- fail to see strangeness and complexity rather than recognize symbols in ity even as the works alert us to it.
their mundanity. Art exists to make When Locke discusses property, it’s
the world strange to us—“to make a difficult for me to encounter the idea
stone feel stony.”
directly. Because I’ve
Shklovsky’s theory
lived with property all
How and by
is a fascinating attempt
my life, I’m tempted to
what means, I
to answer fundamenmerely nod along rathmight ask, does er than wrestle with it.
tal aesthetic questions:
this work help
What is art, what is it
In Genesis, some being
me re-see evfor, and how does it
creates the world and
work? But enstrangeerything around sees that it is good. In
ment is useful, too,
and within me? our pervasively monoapart from its intended
theistic world, it’s hard
use: it’s a fruitful way to think about to realize that “What is a god?” is not
how works we study at St. John’s an insipid question.
might affect us. Much of what we
In these cases, the works alone
study is art in the sense that Shk- may fail to fully enstrange our world.
lovsky means it. One way to under- Our task, then, is to assist them: to
stand the beauty of a chorale from the read actively, attentively, and someSt. Matthew Passion is as a process of times outside ourselves. We must
musical enstrangement. But how can shake ourselves from our own comwe bring the theory to bear on works placence: stop nodding along and
of philosophy, mathematics, or natu- instead search for nuances and oddiral science?
ties. We must meet the authors on the
Great works in these genres en- page and, as they were before us, be
strange our world, too; the thinkers willing not only to see, but to re-see—
we read lived amidst daily mundanity and thus to see far more fully. !
“
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BADFLY
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St. John’s College • 60 College Ave, Annapolis, MD 21401 • Apr. 02, 2013 • Vol. XXXIV • Issue 18
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
Local News
02
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O
ne senior essay is causing quite a stir
in fantasy/ancient Greek literature
circles. Senior Thomas Underhill’s 126page essay on Herodotus’s Histories
argues that the ring of Gyges, which
appears early in Herodotus’ account of
the attempted conquest of Greece by
Persia, is the same ring that descends
to Mr. Frodo Baggins in J.R.R. Tolkien’s
Lord of the Rings trilogy. Writes
Underhill, “A close textual analysis
clearly shows that Herodotus and J.R.R.
Tolkien are discussing the same piece
of magical jewelry.” While some tutors
have expressed skepticism at Underhill’s
conclusions, Underhill insists that it’s
common sense: “Come on, man, think
about it: this ring turns you invisible;
that ring turns you invisible. You don’t
have to be Gandalf the White to figure
this one out. Or, hell, even Gandalf
the Gray. Look, it’s not like I’m saying
Xerxes is Sauron or something crazy like
that.” Mr. Underhill’s oral examination
is set for late April. #
NNAPOLIS, MD—She says that it started because of too much stress but that
“after a while, I really started to enjoy it.” A tutor who stupidly agreed to advise
multiple senior essays says that she “just started screwing with them” when she
realized she did not have time to put in the effort required. “At first I just nodded my
head when they talked, and if they asked questions, I said something that sounded
vaguely Socratic. But after a while, I realized they might catch on, so I started making concrete suggestions. Before I knew it, my Newton student was incorporating
derivatives, and another student actually took my advice to write the whole thing in
Latin verse!” She says the power is intoxicating. “It’s not just their interpretation of
a great text I’m destroying; it’s their entire future! It’s so much fun!” The tutor says
she has already queried several juniors about advising them next year. !
!"#$%&'(&$#)*'+,'-./"'
012"3'$#'4&"5",.%&$16
“W
e were dumbfounded,” says
a female senior. “We just
looked at him like, ‘Are you serious?
Someone slap me. Like, are you SERIOUS?’” That is the reaction coming
out of the Maxwell Electromagnetism
preceptorial, where a senior reportedly
referenced Plato’s Cave approximately
an hour into the conversation. Says a
classmate, “We were just going along,
having a great class, and he brings this
shit up—from what, like freshman
year? The whole class just stopped.”
After three minutes of stunned silence,
the tutor ended the class early: “In my
27 years at the College, I have never
stopped class before 10:10pm. But
sometimes you just can’t recover.” Says
the senior, who requested anonymity:
“I mean, I thought it was relevant.” $
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Student Graduates, Stays in Annapolis
A
lumnus Tyler Smalls, who graduated with the class of 2012,
says he “just couldn’t bear to leave” Annapolis after completing his St. John’s degree. “It’s a great town. I love the tourists. There’s water.” The former Johnnie, who hails from Bowie,
MD, says he loves being far from home and experiencing “independence.” He is subletting a bedroom on East Street, where he
says he spends “heavenly” evenings drinking Natty Boh and rereading Plotinus. He is employed as a “go-fer” at City Dock Coffee, but he says upper management is considering training him
to be a barista. He credits his St. John’s education: “During my
time as an undergraduate, I spent enormous amounts of time
in coffee shops. St. John’s also prepared me to think critically,
and I think my bosses have noticed that. This upward mobility
Alumnus Tyler Smalls, A’12, living the dream.
is exciting.” "
�THE BAD FLY
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PAGE
Literature & Fine Arts
03
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L
auren and Michael, who had been dating on and
off for nearly three months, broke things off last
week, citing “interpretative differences.” Said Lauren, “If you ask me, Cato was a self-righteous fool
who spilled his guts for nothing. Caesar would have
been merciful, and perhaps Cato could have reasoned with him and rectified the situation. But instead he martyrs himself on the floor. It was childish. ‘I’m taking my ball and going home,’ that sort of
thing.” Lauren says Michael refused to stand with
her in this important judgment. “I was not comfortable moving forward with someone who saw things
so differently. It was a tipping point. I mean, what
would we have taught our future son Julius?”
Said Michael, “JULIUS? ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING ME?” "
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G
adfly readership is at an all-time high, a new Gadfly/ABC poll reports. Six students, one tutor, and
Taylor Waters read the Gadfly, which appears every
two weeks (or something like that) in the Coffee Shop.
Of the six students, five are freshmen, all of whom say
that they do not plan to continue next year. One reports, “I always think this issue will be better, but by
the end I’m thinking, ‘Good God. What am I doing with
my life?’” Taylor Waters admits she wouldn’t be caught
near the thing unless it were part of her job, while the
tutor only reads it when fatigued by annual essays. Says
the sixth student, a junior, “I read it for the typos.” !
Primum Mobile Seeks Makeover;
Plans to Perform One Direction
at Spring Collegium
T
hey are known for their exclusive audition process and renditions of folksy crowd favorites like Palestrina, but the College’s premiere choral group, Primum Mobile, says it is heading in
a new direction—that is, over the pond to the British Isles, from
whence hails boy band sensation One Direction. “It’s so fresh,”
says one member of Primum Mobile. “Catchy beats, smooth melodies, sweet harmonies.” Says another, “It’s the lyrics, man. ‘You
don’t know you’re beautiful. And that’s what makes you beautiful.’
God, it’s so clever!” The members hope that a new style will make
them more “culturally relevant.” “Palestrina, Purcell, Byrd—sure,
we know people love oldies. But you have to keep up with the
times, sing what the kids are into. I mean, isn’t riding the trends
what this College is all about?”
The group says they are considering new haircuts and skinny
jeans. !
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�THE BAD FLY
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04
National/International
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P
ublic relations personnel at St. John’s University in Queens, New York, are reportedly becoming increasingly frustrated about having to clarify incorrect notions about the school’s identity. The school’s PR head says that the university receives at least a dozen calls a day inquiring about croquet scholarships and a “Great
Books program.” She says that the confusion, which has overwhelmed the university’s phone lines, has caused several employees to quit. One has even checked into a
mental health rehabilitation program. St. John’s University’s president is currently
in talks with President Nelson to determine ways to combat the misconception.
The university’s PR head admits that she breaks into tears multiple times a day.
She“We have basketball! Doesn’t anyone watch basketball anymore?!” "
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Love for Plaid Compels GI to Enter
Undergraduate Program
I
t was love for fashion and philosophy, says Joseph Freeman, that convinced the
first-year Graduate Institute student to enroll in the undergraduate program. “I
decided I could not live on the edge. I would always be sitting in the Master’s classes
thinking, ‘What am I missing, just across the Quad? I couldn’t take the sweater vests
and old people.” He says he knew that he needed a second undergraduate degree.
It will take some adjustment, he admits, but he says he is ready to “embrace their
ways.” He plans to grow out his hair, add scruff, go days between baths—and, of
course, give up the Polo for the popular plaid. “It’s really amazing how many people
here look like lumberjacks,” he says. “I always wanted to be a lumberjack.”
Joseph says that the Graduate Institute was like “Johnnie-Lite.” “And if I’m already disappointing my parents by getting a M.A. in the ‘Liberal Arts’—well, I figured I should just commit.” He says his parents no longer pick up his phone calls and
have unfriended him on Facebook. “But that’s okay. Who needs financial support
when you have dialectic, right?” #
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A
nnapolis shook with a surprise light
show just after 10 p.m. on Tuesday,
March 26, when the Naval Academy
launched a 20-minute fireworks display
to celebrate the end of the sophomore
and junior essay writing periods at St.
John’s College across the street. “You kids
worked hard,” says the mid who came up
with the idea, “and since we couldn’t come
and drink ourselves into comas like you,
we thought this was the next best thing.”
Said the commandant, “We sail the seven
seas and protect our nation from harm.
But 15 to 20 pages, double-spaced? Damn.
Now that’s hard work.” President Nelson
was honored by the display. “It was such
an unexpected delight to share this celebration with our neighbors, and in such
a wonderful way. I mean, who doesn’t like
to blow shit up, am I right?” !
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A
NNAPOLIS, MD—Students and tutors alike began to weep openly Thursday night when a freshman demanded to know “whether anyone can know
anything, really,” during a seminar on Aristotle’s Physics. “I mean come on, how
can you know anything when life is just…like that, you know? Definitely been on
my mind lately. It’s like you can’t even be sure of anything.” Shocked by this new
approach to the reading, several students requested to leave, while a tutor across
the hall vomited upon hearing of it from panicked members of the administration. “I’ve never heard anything like it,” said a tenured tutor who claimed to be
“utterly blindsided” by the statement. “I thought the Physics was about defining
essential concepts like space and time. It turns out I—I don’t know anything. This
student is undoubtedly the major thinker of our time.” Others were less sure. “By
all means, I think this is a remarkably brilliant student we have on our hands,”
said an anonymous member of the faculty. “But I guess my fear is that we’re latching on to what may be just a small part of his emerging doctrine. I’m going to wait
until he analyzes the Phaedrus and see what happens.” In a prepared address to
the Polity, the student recommended “not doing the seminar reading and just going balls to the wall.” #
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Home & Garden
05
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W
hat has been for years a staple
“So, what does this have to do with
in the daily routine of Johnnies the bell tower?” you might ask. Well,
campus-wide is now a solemn piece of believe it or not, the world of the 1970s
St. John’s history: the bell tower tolls no just wasn’t ready for a hyper-intelligent,
longer. Many students have inquired as half-man/half-salamander, so upon
to why the beloved bell has ceased its graduation the Strauxolotl took up resipleasant proclamation at the end of ev- dence in the bell tower, feeding on the
ery class, but the truth of the matter may snacks left over from waltz parties, and
surprise you. On February 12 the Polity ringing our beloved bell at appropriate
received an email from Ms. Kraus con- times during the day. It is for this service
cerning the bell tower, which stated that to our community that we immortalized
it was “unsafe” but
him in the construction
that “no other deof the Hodson House,
The “Strauxolotl” was named and dedicated in
tails” were available.
a huge success. Too
However, the email
his honor.
revealed one piece of
But this story has an
much of a success,
information that, to
unhappy ending to which
some might say.
an astute and careour silent bell speaks volful reader (of which
umes. Several weeks ago,
there are few, admittedly) revealed the our dear Strauxolotl, naïve in the affairs
true reason for the tower troubles.
of man, stumbled upon Reality’s alcoThe email in question said specifically hol stores in the top of McDowell and,
that the bell had been “turned off” until having drunk his fill, he stumbled off
further notice. But every Johnnie knows, his humble home and bashed his lovely,
and I need not remind you, that the bell lizard brain on the bricks below. (I will
is not automatic; our cheerful, chiming take this time to thank the Building &
friend never has and never will have an Grounds team for their quick and effi“OFF switch.” Don’t believe me? Ask any cient response.)
senior who was sober for the bell ringAnyway, the Strauxolotl, our friend
ing ceremony (of which there are few, and ally for all these years, is no longer
admittedly).
with us. But his memory will live on: evNo, no. The real reason the bell has ery time we get drunk, every time a Don
abandoned its chime is much more Rag goes poorly, every time we get sexshocking, and much more solemn. It is iled, every time we fail to finish a reading
a little known but well remembered fact and bullshit our way through seminar,
that, upon Leo Strauss’s unfortunate the Strauxolotl will be with us, watching
and untimely death in 1973, a council of us. Our quiet bells will be an ever presrespected and venerable tutors held a ent reminder of his faithfulness to this
meeting (a “seminar,” if you will) about Program.
what was to be done. Leo Strauss had,
Inspired by: Robert George (A’15) !
in accord with his sociopolitical ideals,
left an unintelligible will concerning his
endowment to the College that had to
be deciphered by the council. After one
hour and fifty-eight minutes of competing opinions, and two minutes of actual
textual references, the following decision was reached: samples of Strauss’s
DNA were to be reengineered for and
spliced with the body of an axolotl.
The “Strauxolotl” was a huge success.
Too much of a success, some might say.
Its rate of growth was highly irregular
and, due to its almost immediate sentience, the Strauxolotl was able to enroll
in the undergraduate program, becoming one of the first non-human students
at St. John’s (of which there are few, admittedly).
“
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A
fter recent reports of students failing to clear the lint screens of the
Campbell dryers, the Reality archons
have decided to change the theme of
Reality Weekend to something more
appropriate for the seniors’ coming
graduation. “Initially, we were planning on a Manny Sy-Quia-themed Reality, but once we realized the majority
of the student body never cooks their
own meals, we got a little worried,”
notes one Reality archousa. “I mean,
if even one student doesn’t know how
to make pasta, there’s a problem. We
just want to make it so real life doesn’t
seem quite so daunting.” After hearing that several seniors have never
been without a dishwasher, Reality
decided to bring in some local adults
to give some advice to the class that
will be graduating this May. “Rather
than performing some amusing but ultimately uselesss skits, we’ve decided
to bring in a local accountant to talk
about making a balanced budget,” a
Reality archon said. “We’ve also got
events planned all through Saturday
about how to buy groceries, clean
bathrooms, and parallel park. We’re
excited to be able to offer the seniors
something they need, instead of just
a weekend lounging around drinking
beer all day.” A recent poll reveals that
54 percent of graduating seniors plan
on moving back in with their parents
after Commencement. "
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�THE BAD FLY
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06
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Personals
!"#"$%"&'$()(
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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your swing partner says you have two
left feet, which sets you wondering
whether the prosthesis was installed
correctly.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your particularly impressive performance at the board in math class will set
in motion a variety of forces unsympathetic to your excellent memory for Euclid.
!"#$%&'#()*+,'%-./&01+2344*+34*5+
6.&7+&/+8+94:0;+<:7.+=>+?:@%A
A
fter initially declaring he had “finally discovered where I’m meant to be,”
following his first seminar, this year’s Older Freshman has reportedly had a
change of heart. “Good God!” he exclaimed. “I’m 28 years old working on my
undergraduate degree? What am I doing with my life?!” The sudden insecurity
came after an angry phone call with his parents, who said that he was an “adult”
and should be “supporting himself by now, goddamnit.” The freshman says that the
prospect of graduating at 32 is frightening, regardless of the marketable degree he
will receive. “32. Oh, God. 32! Will I even be fertile then?!” "
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S
ources confirm that freshman Tim Keeley, having
barely made it to his 9 a.m. language tutorial after
a night of heavy drinking, narrowly evaded embarrassment by asking what he later described as “one of
those bullshit ‘philosophical questions.’” Several students reported dismay as their tutor pursued the question with
an eager glimmer in her eye, forgetting all about the difficult section of Plato’s Meno that Keeley had been assigned. “I can’t believe
it worked,” said one agitated student. “It was actually one of the best
classes we’ve had all year,” reported another. “We ultimately decided
that it’s basically futile to try to preserve more than a minute fraction of an author’s intended meaning. Then we ran out of time
and the tutor assigned twenty more lines of Greek to translate.”
Keeley proceeded to his math tutorial, for which he had failed
to prepare an involved proposition specifically assigned to him. A
classmate reports that Jenkins opened the class by asking ponderously, “What is mathematics?” #
Senior Filibusters Oral with
58-minute Precis
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Your tutors will say that you have extraordinary lung capacity—which at first
sounds like a compliment.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
It’s not Plato’s fault that you cannot tell
the difference between Phaedo and Phaedrus.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your next lab class will be particularly
shocking, as the ER doctors will inform
you when you regain consciousness.
Virgo (August 21 – September 22)
Drag Ball will create all sorts of new
questions for you.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
No one had thought of making a C Team
for basketball before you came along.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Unlike an axolotl, your digits do not
grow back.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
When you started the “Johnson Study
Group,” you were thinking of Samuel.
Capricorn (December 22 – January
19)
How many ways can you incorrectly
pronounce the protagonist’s name?
Thursday night you’ll find out.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Practice makes perfect: “Tall, Grande, or
Venti?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After months of your Kant-related puns,
the quiet kid in the hoodie who sits next
to you will finally snap. !
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
An account of the resource
Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
Contributor
An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource
St. John's College Greenfield Library
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
thegadfly
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Page numeration
Number of pages in the original item.
12 pages
Original Format
The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data
paper
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Creator
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Goldman, Nathan (Editor in Chief)
Tuttle, Ian (Editor in Chief)
Title
A name given to the resource
The Gadfly, Vol. XXXIV, Issue 18 [The Badfly]
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2013-04-02
Description
An account of the resource
Volume XXXIV, Issue 18 of The Gadfly. Special issue entitled The Badfly. Published on April 02, 2013.
Identifier
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Gadfly 34.18
Coverage
The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant
Annapolis, MD
Publisher
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St. John's College
Language
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English
Type
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text
Format
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pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
-
https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/sjcdigitalarchives/original/0b4b17f1dcf2af5ea02f1ab1c0f04387.pdf
5a77b73fca9baf9a07fb17b2a6a189f4
PDF Text
Text
THE
BADFLY
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St. John’s College • 60 College Ave, Annapolis, MD 21401 • Apr. 03, 2012 • Vol. XXXIII • Issue 20
�THE BAD FLY
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Local News
02
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he full two hours of a seminar on
Monday were devoted entirely to
the attempts of one man to find a “really
pertinent section.” Reports are that the
search commenced almost immediately
upon the tutor’s enunciation of an
opening question, and continued
unabated from thenceforward, quashing
any attempts by the other 18 members
of the seminar to explore alternate
pursuits. With frequent interjections of
“sorry, guys,” and “oh jeez, I thought it
was right here,” the man, who insisted
he had a “visual memory of the passage
being in the lower half of the right page,”
proceeded to turn through every page of
his book with what one student called “a
perfect, almost a hypnotic regularity.”
“After about 45 minutes it started to
get really awkward,” admitted another
student from the seminar. “Some people
even started to wonder whether the
thing he was looking for was really as
important as he said it was, even though
obviously it doesn’t become any less
important even though it’s hard to find.”
“I don’t think he even had a concept of
time,” said one woman who was present.
“It was obvious that finding this passage
had become his whole world. It was his
Moby Dick. We had no right to interfere
in that.” With the clock barely a few
ticks from ten o’clock, the student came
to the realization that the passage he
was looking for was, in fact, the section
which the tutor had read for his opening
question, but in a different translation.
This led to what one student cheerfully
described as “a really fruitful discussion
about how dissimilar two different
translations can be sometimes, and how
that’s really interesting.” #
NNAPOLIS, MD—Last Saturday, March 31st, Security reported that a recently
fired freshman lab assistant, who will remain unnamed, released the Axolotls
from their highly secure tank in Mellon. “The Axolotls are so misunderstood!” the
lab assistant cried while being handcuffed. “They will be free! They will run wild!
No more animal cruelty!”
The Axolotls have since overrun campus, preying on sacrifices of freshmen, and
causing extreme chaos and fear. “The end has come!” said one freshman who was
available for comment at the time. The Axolotls have overtaken the Cupola Room as
their headquarters, and Security advises students to stay far away from McDowell,
and use caution when walking alone at night. !
T
A
Below: Two of the offending creatures eagerly look forward to establishing their authority.
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early eight months after Hurricane Irene hit Annapolis, many
local residents still have not finished
picking up the pieces. The Rawls family of Prince George Street had, by
their reckoning, six lawn chairs in a
full and upright position before the
storm hit. A cursory glance at their
yard now reveals one of those chairs
still splayed across the grass, a jagged
shard of chaos reverberating across
an otherwise idyllic scene. Said family
patriarch Bill Rawls, “I guess, since it
happened, we’ve never had more than
five people out in the yard at the same
time, so no one’s really had an incentive to pick up that particular chair.”
Countless other stories across the
city are similar, from a fallen, spilling
birdfeeder that “seemed to mostly just
feed squirrels anyway,” to a lawn gnome
that has laid in state for so long it is now
mostly covered with leaves, a sign that
even the earth knows to pay its respects
by burying its dead. It is hard not to find
some sign of a seemingly permanent
change in nearly every home in Annapolis—some sign that, as much as we might
want to believe, it is not so easy to just
go “back to normal.” $
Student Changes Essay Topic One Day Before Deadline With Astounding Results
A
stressed junior, who wishes to remain anonymous, was
surprised by the quality of his annual essay that he had
only started the night before it was due. “I was very pleased
with the final product,” he tells us. “It’s amazing what twelve
Adderall, three cups of coffee, and a smoke break can do for
your creativity.” The essay initially addressed concerns about
Hobbes’s Kingdom of Darkness as presented in The Leviathan, but was changed to a question regarding Kant’s Critique
of Pure Reason and whether or not anything can really be explored outside the realm of time and space. This change was
made after the junior concluded his first idea was “really dif-
ficult” and “going nowhere.” He went on to say that the question he began with seemed really good at first, but later realized
that, “there were too many subsidiary questions that needed to
be answered to come to the conclusion [he] wanted.” His final
draft, which came close to twenty-four pages, was “very structured”, “captured all the thoughts [he] was trying to convey”,
and is expected to be a sharp contender for the junior essay
prize. “It’s a relief to be done,” he said as the interview was
coming to a close. “These are probably the best twenty-three
or so pages I have ever or will ever produce.” Roughly nineteen
pages of his essay were block quotes. "
�THE BAD FLY
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03
Literature & Fine Arts
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T
here exists not in the English language a more sophisticated form of poetic
expression than the limerick, for no form is both terse in sonority and rich in
underlying poetic content. The sonnet is sickly (Keats was consumptive), the ballad is folksy (bad taste), the villanelle is decadent and complicated (bad form), and
the epic is antiquated (keep in step with the times, old boy). But the limerick is the
summation of good poetic character: witty yet serious, ironic yet honest, truthful yet deceptive, terrible yet excellent, good yet evil, elite yet relatable—for, who
among us cannot relate to this bit of divine poesy:
There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“They paid to get in;
They can pay to get out of it, too!”
Socrates would probably have recognized the moral value of this particular limerick. For, is it not the desiring part of the soul that continually places mankind in the
stickiest of situations? But limericks are not confined to the common and relatable;
for those of us who pursue hidden knowledge (and therefore hide our own knowledge), this esoteric limerick certainly has a voice:
There once was a lawyer named Rex,
Who was small in the organ of sex.
When charged with exposure,
He replied with composure:
“De minimum non curat lex!”
The philosophical voice speaks clearly through the limerick in the same way that
bands of sunlight penetrate the clear depths of Lake Lucerne. What is the nature
of this “way”? That which cannot be disclosed; for secret knowledge must remain
secret (though consider checking the Timaeus; it has the answers to everything. In
fact, it’s a wonder the Timaeus was not written as a limerick!) But for those of you
non-Straussians who have no access to the secret truth-knowledge-beauty-goodin-itself of limericks (for it is a well-known fact that Richard Strauss regularly employed the scherzo-like limerick in his operas Salome and Die Rosenklavier), you can
still rest easy with the good old anti-clerical bawdy humor of this classic:
The Anglican dean of Hong-Kong
Has a thing that is twelve inches long.
He thinks that the waiters
Are admiring his gaiters
When he goes to the loo, but he’s wrong! #
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A
NNAPOLIS, MD—A current sophomore admitted to relying heavily
first semester on the Perseus Digital Library, a website maintained by the Department of Classics at Tufts University,
in order to translate Antigone in his language class. “I felt really guilty about it,”
said the student, who asked to remain
anonymous, “because I know all my fellow students slaved for hours every day
over the declension charts for irregular
verbs.” The student felt he had failed
himself and his class: “I know if I had
just worked at it, the one year of Greek
would totally have prepared me to translate Sophocles, just like a semester was
enough to handle Plato and Aristotle,”
The student reported that he brought
his Introduction to Ancient Greek book
home over the summer, but neglected to
study. “I mostly just used it as a paperweight,” the student admitted. "
!"#$%&#'()&*#
+,"-.#/(01234#56&)37
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R
eports have come in from all over
campus about the poor quality of local news outlet, The Gadfly. “It would be
nice if the articles were based on actual
fact,” says one St. John’s student. “I’m
tired of reading someone else’s stuckup opinion.” And this, of course, is just
one of many recorded complaints. The
Gadfly has been attacked for poor editing, biased articles, unsupported claims,
bad grammar, having a muddled layout,
not being funny, having an air of pretentiousness, poor picture quality, and what
seems to be the most common complaint, neglecting to publish submitted
articles. Astonishingly, The Gadfly is not
for want of readers. Being a non-profit
publication, each issue of The Gadfly is
distributed for free. And every week that
a new issue is released, there are hardly
enough to cater to the demand. In any
case, considering the grievances voiced
by the student body, it would seem as
though The Gadfly staff will have to improve the quality of their publication
lest they lose all their readers. !
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
04
Sports/Fitness/Mental Preparedness
!"#$%&'()*$+,-./01,$!"-2$3/-41(5$-$6/-2$7-289$"&$5&$:2&;/**1&(-8
J
unior Tyler Smalls, one of St. John’s
most praised and respected members
of the classroom, has confirmed longstanding rumors that he will be leaving St.
John’s after this year to go professional.
The defection, the latest in an increasing
trend which has seen the lure of big-money contracts tempting students away from
their liberal arts educations, will surely
raise to new prominence the long-standing debate about the role of “amateurs” at
top reading schools such as St. John’s.
Specifically, many have recently questioned whether our “education” really
serves as nothing but a minor league
training ground for readers who have
known since high school that they would
eventually be turning professional. Steven Will, a longtime columnist from the
world of both amateur and professional
reading, was unsurprised at this latest
move. “I mean, let’s not kid ourselves,”
he said, “these young guys know that the
kind of reading that they’re doing, out
on the professional circuit, could easily
be making them $300,000 to $400,000 a
year. The notion that these kids want to
go to a feeder-school like St. John’s just
because they ‘love reading’ or ‘want the
classic college experience’ is absurd.”
Smalls says that he will remain a free
agent for now, and he’ll hold off from
signing any long-term contracts until his
career is more established. According to
his agent, he’s already lined up a short assignment in the Canadian Summer-Reading League, where he’ll be reading The
Brothers Karamazov for $17,000. !
!"#$%&"'(%))*+,%+-,%$'-.-/&!"'"0,%-"1'
2"0%'3-$&%!!'45'"0%'6%))!7
F
reshman Ken James says he is “all too aware” of the countless cases of madness
induced by the constant, unceasing chimes present in many of America’s
quaintest towns, and he has made it a priority to take precautions against them.
“I talked to some alums before coming here, and one guy put it really bluntly:
‘Listen,’ he said, ‘there’s two things you got to watch out for in Annapolis: don’t
get mugged, and don’t let the cold unceasing tolls, which must needs be paid, and
take their due not in money, but in irretrievable and forever-lost segments of your
youth, denominated in quarter-hours, drive you to a fit of melancholy whence you
may never return.’ That really hit home with me. I was like, ‘I’m living outside the
house for the first time, my parents are trusting me to take care of myself. I can’t
let these bells get to me, you know?’ That’s when I started to do my research about
bell-protection.”
Mr. James said he has taken many precautions, from padding his room to
wearing earplugs when out in the town.
“I mean, obviously there’s no problem listening to some bells ringing for a little
bit, so I don’t have to wear them all the time. I mean, people go to concerts or
whatever, and there are bells in those sometimes, and they don’t go crazy, right?
But if I’m out for a while, and then suddenly I catch myself humming the little
rhythm, you know, ‘DA dum DA dum… DUM da DA dum,’ that’s when I’ll be like,
‘Oh, boy, this is where it starts. Better get that out of my life for a little bit.’”
James says he’s tried listening to music on his iPod, but finds that that’s a less
effective technique because “the chimes just combine and swirl and blend into
the music and become even
more irresistible.”
“That’s what’s funny
about the bells,” James
continued, “most things
that are dangerous are
also ugly. But not the bells.
They’re dangerous because
they’re beautiful. So very
beautiful…” #
Left: The most beautifully dangerous bell on campus faces the
camera innocently.
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S
everal members of the campus
Crossfit club pushed back strongly
today against reports that Crossfit has
“no basis in kinesthetic fact” and “no additional athletic value compared to regular exercise.” Members countered that
Crossfit is, in fact, “totally awesome,”
and also, “Seriously, like extremely awesome. Like, one of the coolest things
ever. It’s like the Matrix, but in real life,
but harder because things are actually
heavy, and we can’t just throw them
around with our minds, but we still
throw them around anyway. We actually
throw a ton of stuff around. It’s pretty
amazing.” When asked how the skills of
Crossfit could be useful in practical life,
one member suggested that any potential firefighter, after attending Crossfit
for only a few short weeks, would be
able to throw “the heaviest of babies”
out of a burning window. Another added that the ability to “quickly transition
from crawling to jumping” is a skill that
is called upon “countless times in everyday life.” A third pointed out that rapidly catching and releasing a ball over
and over “uses exactly the same muscle
movements that we would need to use to
run if the world suddenly turned 90 degrees and our hands became our feet and
our feet became our hands.” Ultimately,
everyone present agreed that “you have
to do Crossfit to get Crossfit,” and that
“you have to get Crossfit to love Crossfit,” and that “you have to love Crossfit
to be worth talking to,” at which point
they all simultaneously high-fived each
other while jumping and removing their
shirts, after which they celebrated with
a frenzied session of throwing balls,
both at other things and each other. "
�THE BAD FLY
-
PAGE
Financial/Business
05
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M
arch 27, 6:03 PM—The Admissions Office has released information that indicates a high number of
Santa Fe students will be transferring
to Annapolis in upcoming years. To accommodate for this flux, Buildings and
Grounds has begun planning the construction of new dorms to house former
Santa Fe residents. “These new facilities
are intended to make the transition and
adjustment from Santa Fe more comfortable for our new students,” says an
Admissions Office representative. It is
speculated that the new dorms will try
and capture the natural habitat of a Santa Fe student using accoutrements familiar to our sister campus. Each dorm
room will be equipped with a skylight
for indoor stargazing and a personal art
wing for each resident. The landscape
will also be furnished with flora typical in New Mexico such as Achnatherum hymenoides, or Sandgrass, Nolina
erumpens, a common New Mexico flower, and Cannabis sativa. Rumors suggested that a similar project was said to
be in the works for Annapolis students
heading to the Midwest, but enthusiasm decreased sharply when Annapolis
students found out the closest alcohol
distributor was more than two miles
off campus. The prospective location
and size of these new dorms is still unknown. "
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T
he last will and testament of recently deceased oil magnate Walter P. Emerson contains a surprise clause which
will hand over $35 million to St. John’s College, an extraordinary gift by any measure, but one made even more unusual,
and some say bittersweet, by the strange and highly specific
stipulations which accompany it. Of the $35 million, $750,000
is required to be spent on the construction of a gigantic glass
cube stationed in the exact geographic center of campus, on
the grass near the playing fields. The remaining money, which
will be given in the form of cash in denominations of $100
upon completion of the cube, must be inserted in this cube
and fanned out in a breathtaking array of wealth, before the
cube is sealed forever, never to be broken under penalty of immediate remittance of the entire fortune back to Mr. Emerson’s estate. The display, dubbed the “Taunt-Cube,” will certainly be an artistic focal point of the campus and a source of
lthough the recent policy of charging students five cents per printed
page in the computer lab may be unpopular, the college has no plans of scrapping it, and is in fact set to roll out a
slew of similar revenue-enhancing fees
next year. Surely the largest and most
controversial change will be in every
bathroom on campus, where toilet paper is set to come with a charge of two
cents per square (three cents for doublepleated), with the college 1card as the
required method of payment, in what is
being marketed by the administration
as the new “swipe-2-wipe” program.
Among other changes, checking books
out of the library will now also come
with a fee. Said Dean Pamela Kraus, “I
mean you don’t expect Blockbuster to
just hand you Moulin Rouge for free,
do you? Why should we be any different? We’re not running a charity here.”
The computer lab will also be rebranded
as an “internet café”, charging $5 per
hour to use the internet ($10 for porn)
and the dining hall will institute a new
“weigh-in, weigh-out” policy, with students charged extra when the scales
determine that they’ve indulged in a
“pig-out meal.” Finally, the largest single
source of revenue is expected to be the
new campus-wide swear jar, which will
operate under the traditional “nickel,
dime, quarter” hierarchy of blasphemy
and which will be enforced by a segment
of our security force, re-trained to serve
as the new “swear police.” #
pride to some, but others are wondering how long it will take
before the sadistic game that Mr. Emerson is clearly playing
with us from beyond the grave ends in a loss of willpower on
the part of the cash-strapped administration. Adding to the
intrigue and mystery of the Taunt-Cube, a strangely-worded
addendum to Mr. Emerson’s will declares that destruction of
the cube will also deliver to Mr. Emerson “the eternal soul of
every last damned one of you, so you can all keep me company
in Hell.” It is not clear how the last clause can be enforced,
but Dean Pamela Kraus called it “certainly a serious threat, if
true” and “not worth taking chances with.” All members of the
administration have preemptively agreed that it is in their own
self interest to not be let near the cube, unless transported by
cart while wrapped in Odysseus-like binds. One potential
concern with this plan, they admit, is President Christopher
Nelson, who recently declared in an interview that “binds of
adamantine strength will not hold me back once I actually see
the damned thing. I’m telling you that right now, I swear to
God. I know myself too well. I know what I’m capable of.” !
�THE BAD FLY
!" #$%& "'(
> Ian Tuttle, A’14
D
on’t mock the nerds, they say; you’ll end up working for
The simple fact is, as study after study has shown, the entire
one. Several universities around the nation are joining higher education system is biased toward the hard-working.
forces to fix that. Public and private universities in 17 states They end up with the highest grades, the most knowledge,
nationwide have formed the “Equality in Education Com- and the best prospects for postgraduate study or employment.
pact” to standardize student performance.
These few students, who are hard-working for no other reaAlan Wheeler reports in the most recent Chronicle of High- son than their universally privileged, generally Caucasian
er Education, in a fascinating essay, “The New Nerd Herd,” backgrounds, acquire too much knowledge. Because there
that recent Department of Education studies reveal that the is a limited quantity of knowledge (and, thus, good grades)
top one percent of students are earning significantly higher available, these students have a monopoly on the university’s
grades than fellow students. To remedy this imbalance, ad- goods. The EEC seeks to break up that monopoly and enministrators, professors, and counselors are redistributing sure that everyone receives the same amount of knowledge
GPA points from the highest-earning students to their lower and the same grades—especially those who do not want to.
counterparts, ensuring that all students earn approximately At the core of this effort is an understanding, by university ofthe same grades.
ficials from coast to coast, that students entering institutions
Pratik Gurumurthy is a junior at the University of Califor- of higher learning do not bear any responsibility for the outnia-San Diego, where he will graduate one
come of their collegiate careers. As long as
year early to pursue medical school. He is a
these students pay, the university should
“College is about
top student in all of his classes, but he says
provide the goods and not allow any actors
‘he supports the policy, which was imple(e.g. the hard-working students) to unduly
exploring: sexually,
mented last semester. “My parents mansway the market (e.g. rob other students of
politically, sexually.
aged to scrape together enough money for
their rightful goods).
And if they do that,
me to come to America from India when I
University of Massachusetts-Amherst
at the end of four or
turned 18. It was always their dream that
provost Janine Furler hopes the proI have an American education that would
gram will continue to grow. “Ideally, we
five years, we will be
set me apart. But I like this new system. It
to
issue grades
thrilled to hand them a would like andstop having to the students
seems fair. It’s not like I or my family have
altogether
simply allow
diploma with highest
worked hard to get where I am.”
to live on campus for four years. We are
Caroline Freeman, a sophomore at
honors, confident that really not even that concerned that they
Wellesley pursuing a degree in civil engicome to class. College is about exploring:
they are prepared for
neering, concurs. She is from a small town
sexually, politically, sexually. And if they
the real world.”
in rural Alabama and was raised by a single
do that, at the end of four or five years, we
mother. “Sure, I study a lot—mornings,
will be thrilled to hand them a diploma
nights, weekends, and I’ve programmed my iTunes to read with highest honors, confident that they are prepared for the
Rabelais in the original while I sleep. But I have friends who real world.”
like to come to class smashed. What’s wrong with that? Why
Fundamentally, this is about justice. In a situation in which
should they be penalized for doing things their own way?”
there are finite prizes to go around, when one student wins,
Wheeler also interviewed several professors from major a lot of other students lose. And the fact that the student
universities to hear their views on the new program. Said who wins had a leg-up from the beginning makes the enKathleen Armstrong, who leads a lecture at Oberlin Universi- tire system intrinsically corrupt. This program starts small,
ty called, “Mixed Up in Mali: Transgender Literature in Post- redistributing grades to compensate for the obvious bias in
colonial Africa,” “I get young scholars who come to class high the system. But over time it will erode the obsolete notion of
or toasted, and my heart just bleeds for them. I don’t want personal responsibility and its assumed “just” order. The orthem to be victimized by the academic superstructure; I want der is not just, the playing field is not even. The colleges that
them to be able to live free lives. If giving them extra points are embarking on this brave new venture recognize that the
will help them do that, I am all for it.”
higher education system has something valuable to offer—a
And, says Leonid Altukhov, who teaches, “Karl in the degree, the qualification for postgraduate success—but that
Kitchen: Marxism and the Modern Woman,” at the University that system has, throughout its history, been predicated on
of Delaware, “The United States is a beacon of egalitarianism. backward, hurtful premises. However, as this system is imLiberté, égalité, fraternité, right? We should be striving daily plemented across more and more institutions, it will graduto achieve those founding ideals.”
ally change these premises. Students will no longer attach
Wheeler commends the effort, and so do I. The “Equality themselves to ideas of earning their success; they will finally
in Education Compact” demonstrates a concerted effort by see that to do so is to trample on their colleagues. The EEC
university personnel at every level—from the administrators puts power back in the hands of those who will use it fairly.
to the professors in the trenches—to right a system of punishAs University of Georgia dean Harold Kakani declared,
ment and reward that has been, for too long, biased, exploit- “They say the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the
ative, and just plain mean.
lawnmower. Well, we’re John Deere, bitches.” !
“
�The Gadfly
06
The Croquet Team’s Response to Croquet Policies
> John Fleming, A’12
B
efore getting to the new Croquet Weekend policies, yet, just that the point is not to gouge, so they will not be
I’d like to inform the community about Croquet high. I have been told that the money made from the sale of
Nationals. Nationals and the Navy match were booked for alcohol will go to scholarship funding. The administration
the same weekend this year. Since these are our only two recognizes that people don’t want to stand in line to get in
big competitive events, obviously the team was extremely or to buy alcohol, so they will try to minimize the time spent
disappointed, especially as we were looking to reclaim the in line.
National Title. As a team, we decided to participate in the
The team thought it would be a good idea to give our
community event.
perspective on the new policies. We weren’t thrilled by them.
So, what will the event look like this year? I’ve heard a But after speaking with the administration, we recognize
lot of confusion about what the new
that they saw the need to change how
policies actually are. There will be
Croquet was hosted, to make it a more
no outside alcohol allowed at the
moderate event. There has been a lot
But at this point, with
event. Outside food and non-alcoholic
of outrage about
Croquet a month away, communication. Thethe breakdown in
beverages are okay; picnics are still fine
team shares in that.
it is time to focus on
and encouraged. To enforce the policy,
The administration needs to do a better
security will be asking to look in people’s
job in the future communicating with
the event itself. It will
bags. Not rifling through, just looking
the team, with alumni, and particularly
still be fun.
into. To do so, the event will be fenced
with the student body. But at this point,
off this year. The hedge running along
with Croquet a month away, it is time to
College Avenue will be part of it, and there will be a rope focus on the event itself. It will still be fun. Focusing on the
fence on the McDowell side. It will not be right up on the dislike of the new policies will make it less fun. Focusing on
lawn, but up by the flagpole. Alcohol will be sold at the the nice weather (fingers crossed), hilarious horse costumes,
event, in more than single servings. Bottles of champagne time with friends, and making friends will make it lots of
will be available, and the administration seemed open to the fun. The team chose to come party with the community
idea of selling six cups of beer at a time. The alcohol will at Croquet Weekend. So let’s have a party. After all, party
be nice: keg beer. I have not been told what prices will be season is upon us. !
“
!"#!$%&%'(
!"#$%&"'&()*&+**$
D
ear Delegate Council,
I said…things at our last meeting. Things that might
have been hurtful. I am so sorry.
When I said that I had hardly noticed the difference
you made in my life, despite all your efforts and meetings,
that I never read the articles you wrote for The Gadfly,
and that I didn’t even know we had a song, I didn’t mean
to make you feel bad.
It’s not you, it’s me.
It’s me; I am the one who is apathetic, irresponsible,
and neglectful. I have never deserved you, or the attention and care you have given me.
The fact is, I’m just not worthy of you. Now, as we approach the end of our relationship, as I finally realize just
what I had, even as I lose it, I can only ask you for your
forgiveness.
If you can’t give me that, I hope you can at least forget
me quickly, and find someone who will give you the respect and love that you deserve. You probably hate me,
and wish we had never met, but I just want you to know
that no matter how badly I treated you, no matter how
little I deserved you, in my own ignorant, clumsy, stupid
way, I always did, and always will, love you.
Ms. Ferrier, A’12 & Mr. Llinas, A’13
Lucy Ferrier (A’12)
�The Gadfly
!"#$%!&'#(!$)*++,!!##$*($,(%!-&)!,*(.
Perspectives on Senior Year
05
> Barbara McClay, A’12
T
his Thursday, March 19, the SCI convened to discuss
questions specific to senior year, particularly those
surrounding the senior essay. The discussion opened with a
consideration of the large number of essays written on offProgram texts this year. Did we find this number to be in
any way problematic? Was the senior essay intended to be
an exploration of anything the student found interesting, or
something else altogether?
It was agreed that some of the choices of texts made by
students this year probably presented an unfair burden to the
faculty and were also probably of little relevance to the greater
community. In view of the extra work given to the tutors, it
was agreed that it might be a good thing if there were stricter
guidance as to what could and could not be written on for the
senior essay. There was, however, some disagreement on this
issue.
However, the secondary consideration—that of the relation
the essay bore to the community—raised the question of
whether or not the senior essay was intended to have any sort
of relevance to the greater community. What, after all, was the
point of writing a senior essay?
Overall, the discussion of the purpose of the senior essay
broke down along two lines. Either the senior essay represented
a culmination of the student’s work at the College—and thus
ought to be relevant to the community at large—or the senior
essay represented an intellectual transition to the outside
world, and thus was a project of purely personal importance.
Some argued that the housing of all the senior essays in
the library, the printing of all their titles on the graduation
bulletin, and the public nature of senior orals all indicated
that the senior essay was intended to relate to the community
in some way. Viewed this way, writing off-Program should
be discouraged unless the student could make a compelling
case for the relevance of his proposed topic to the college
community. In the writing of a senior essay, one student
commented, “Something is owed to the College.”
If, on the other hand, the senior essay represented the
student’s transition from the College into the greater
intellectual world, things looked very different. In that case,
the most important thing would be to enable students to
pursue the questions that interest them regardless of the
relation of that question to the College itself. In fact, from
that perspective, writing off-Program ought to be encouraged
rather than discouraged, since it would indicate the desired
intellectual independence from the Program. Ultimately, no
consensus was reached on this question.
A third, tangential question raised at the meeting was the
question of the greatness of the off-Program works selected by
students. Not all proposed works seemed “great” in the way
the books on the Program are great. But if a student could get
an advisor and a committee together for his proposed work,
should that be a concern?
At that point, after all, the student would have at the very
least proved his interest in the topic and also that it had some
degree of relevance to the community. Suppose, for instance,
someone asked to write on Lord of the Rings. Would we
think that this essay proposal ought to be accepted? If it were
accepted, would we regard that as a good thing?
This question, however, was left unresolved.
It was also considered whether or not the school was right
to discourage students from writing senior essays not on a
particular book or movie, but rather on a particular question.
Many students present disagreed on what such an essay would
really be. There was no clear consensus on this topic.
Setting senior essays aside, the SCI also considered whether
or not to reintroduce the practice of first semester don rags and
orals. While some concern was expressed that the material in
the first semester of senior seminar might be too limited, it
was agreed that many seniors would like to see first semester
orals return. It was also agreed that, even though students
could largely self-evaluate by their senior year, the don rag
still provides valuable information that is difficult to replace
with self-evaluation or even separate conferences with tutors.
Finally, the SCI briefly reviewed the single tutor seminars.
While all the seniors present enjoyed the small size and
informality of the single tutor seminars, they also commented
that the second tutor was most definitely missed and that a
tutor’s personality could more easily dominate a discussion
without another tutor to check it. !
!"#$"%&%'()#*+(,
> Painter Bob
A spotted cat just crossed my path
to greet a speckled dog
they met upon a purple patch
of violets by a bog
an inch worm came to join them
on a silver strand he swung
until he slipped and hit a rock
and woe his bottom stung
but from a little lily pad
a prince amongst the frogs
sprung up into a mossy glen
betwixt two hollow logs
where gently soft as silk is smooth
this song he kindly sung
oh woe is we who have to see our wonder wounded one
who spins the thread that weaves our beds
beneath each setting sun
and so that cat, as too the dog, did join that noble frog
and being three, they all as one
did nurse that worm so well
that up he sprang and spun a strand of glowing gold for fun
while they all danced, and then they laughed
to see the bees go hummm
because that little inch worm, now
a glow worm had become
the fairest friend in all the land
beside himself…with love.
�The Gadfly
04
!"#$%&'#%(&!)**+
Reviewing St. John’s ensemble Klaüs, Moshiko
Hamo (A’12) explores the emotional gravity of
the band’s free jazz styling and the diverse musical landscapes it produces.
Saxiphonist Sam Weinberg (A’14) plays at
Winter Collegium. photo by Henley Moore
> Moshiko Hamo, A’12
K
ommt, ihr Töchter, und listen, for Klaüs hast Komme. ity of a fall from grace, a struggle, and a final redemption, free
With non-traditional forms, Klaüs invites listeners to ex- jazz explores a different kind of order. Klaüs plays with this
plore new musical and emotional territories. It has a curious ironically with the song titled, “Fallen.” The song challenges
aesthetic that is absurdly light, and yet their music is technical- the listener to find the fall, the struggle, and the redemption.
ly demanding to play. Pseudo-Germanic marketing and songs It is debatable to what extent, if at all, these actually appear
like “Bluffin’ with My Muffin” (a cheerful jazz arrangement of in the song. Free jazz is arguably more honest to the experi“The Muffin Man” with thundering drum breaks) might lead ence of living. There is the mixture of serious and silly, comone to think that Klaüs only produces parodies. This, howev- edy and tragedy, anger and laughter. The music proceeds not
er, is belied by the emotional gravity of much of their music with the tension and release of the musical circle, but with the
and the skill necessary to play it. For instance, “wave bye bye alternating tension and release that more closely resembles
to the bureaucrat,” a funny name indeed, uses the challeng- breathing. (It is possible that this is at least partially due to the
ing compound meters 6/4 and 5/4, in addition to the standard fact that the primary songwriter plays alto sax, where breath
4/4. Moreover, Klaüs plays exclusively atonally. Try to find the determines musical capacity.) The music is meditative and yet
“home” pitch, and you will find yourself perpetually lost.
light, dissonant and profound at times, and yet this comes off
Klaüs’ primary songwriter, Sam Weinberg, is strongly in- as honest and penetrating rather than contrived (as opposed
fluenced by Ornette Coleman. Using a theory of improvisa- to some of Schoenberg’s atonal music). The paradox is pleastion developed by Coleman called “harmolodics,” Weinberg ing rather than jarring; it points to what music is at its heart:
balances rhythm, melody, and harmony equally. This stands an emotional exploration.
in sharp contrast to earlier jazz, which even in its improviWhat does this kind of music mean for the College? There
sation is built around harmonic structures. The theory frees are increasingly more bands at St. John’s. However, these
the musician to explore new possibilities that are atonal yet bands grow more remote from the music of the Program. The
still sound natural (as opposed to
Program only studies those forms
the more contrived atonal twelveof music that conform to a clear,
But how to listen to such eclectic
tone music). Of course, Weinberg
overarching narrative. Only music
is able to improvise freely in large
that tells a story—with a libretto for
music? Free jazz is not entirely chapart because of the strength of the
otic, but its order differs from that of a crutch—is studied. How can the
other members. Ugur Kupeli is an
music program take itself seriousany other kind of music. While tonal ly without studying Beethoven’s
exceptional drummer, whose sensibility is organic and knowledge
symphonies (those without chomusic depends on the narrative
of jazz is encyclopedic. At times he
ruses), which are arguably the best
quality of a fall from grace, a strugprovides rhythmic ground for othmusical compositions in history?
gle, and a final redemption, free jazz Perhaps to make it easier on those
erwise chaotic exploration, while
explores a different kind of order.
elsewhere his explosive improvisawho consider themselves less mution is invigorating. The music does
sical, St. John’s ignores these later
not lend itself to dancing due to its strange meters and form, (Romantic) forms of music, even if they may better express the
but there is always a pleasing beat that hypnotizes the listener. essence of music. Perhaps the more logical among us refuse
The expert bass playing of David Lincer magnifies this effect. to acknowledge this, but some of the greatest music is an apLincer has the rare gift of totally absorbing extremely diverse peal only to passion sans reason. This sort of music challenges
musical styles; he plays heavy metal, classic rock, blues, and Zuckerkandl’s assumption (as we should) that music can be
traditional and avant-garde jazz very well and with apparent expressed and known through language. The emotional poease. His improvisations are correspondingly influenced by a tential of music can be manifested as a narrative, but that is
myriad of styles. Lincer’s skill is particularly admirable con- not the only way. The force of free jazz is that it is an appeal to
sidering he plays a fretless bass, which requires much greater other kinds of emotions in an organic way. Feeling is not limattention to pitch, resembling a cello more than a guitar. Klaüs ited to catharsis from redemption. Other feelings can evolve in
has taken the musical instincts of three of the best musicians subtler and in harsher ways. Music, like man, is not restricted
at St. John’s and forged them into surreal and enthralling mu- to a simple, almost naïve, happiness manifested in the major
sic.
key or the sometimes melodramatic, sometimes impotent, and
But how to listen to such eclectic music? Free jazz is not en- rarely true, powerful sadness evoked by the minor key. Life
tirely chaotic, but its order differs from that of any other kind is often a mixture of both happiness and sadness, and Klaüs
of music. While tonal music depends on the narrative qual- skillfully explores these emotional landscapes. !
“
�The Gadfly
{
!"#$%&'(
$*-%*&*"#
Falstaff plays dead.
Odysseus dresses up like
Hercules.
Henry V
Philoctetes
What prank does your seminar
character play on April Fool’s Day?
+,()*"
The Social Contract
> Anonymous
Rousseau wears clothes.
> Anonymous
> Anonymous
NEXT WEEK
03
}
$#()*"
Democracy in
America
Tocqueille votes Robespierre.
> Anonymous
How does your seminar character react to the new Croquet policies?
On Asking & Responsibility
> Jenny Shumpert, A’15
T
he only form of sexual assault that we see in popular fortable, ask. Asking is fun. Asking feels caring and playful and
culture is obviously violent, with people holding victims sexy. Asking means heightening the anticipation and opening
at gunpoint and issuing death threats. It’s something com- both parties up to communication, which generally means
mitted by strangers in dark alleyways on shows like CSI. It’s pretty good sex. It’s fairly difficult not to enjoy yourself when
not something that happens to us, or our friends, and it’s not you’re telling your partner(s) what you like, as long as they’re
something we’re involved in. It’s premeditated and purpose- listening. Asking can mean, “Can I suck you off?” in honeyed
ful, not something that anyone ever does accidentally, and it and beguiling tones, or it can mean a hesitant, “Is it okay if…?”
can only happen when someone says, “No,” or struggles. So partnered with context that’s extraordinarily difficult to miswhat’s happening when someone has
interpret. It doesn’t require you to
the insurmountable feeling that they
have years of experience on a phone
When we have internalized the
simply don’t have a choice, and they
sex line or be sexually adventurous
can’t tell the person they’re with to
message that being unobtrusive or even remotely confident. No matstop? He* isn’t being violent, he’s not
ter how self-conscious you may feel,
and not being rude are more
threatening, and it isn’t an unsafe sitit is infinitely better than finding out
important than being able to
uation, but there’s a feeling of obligathat the other person didn’t want
tion. Women are socialized to never
decide when and with whom we whatever happened, but didn’t feel
be rude, to never tell people, “No,” to
that they could
you to stop. And
have sex, there is something hor- there is no way tell me to express to
ignore their own needs and emotions.
for
rifically wrong.
There’s a constant drone of, “I have to
someone who has never been in this
do this because he has expectations
situation how much more pleasant
(why else am I going back to his room with him?), because the most awkward “Do you want to have sex?” is than somewe’ve been making out and he’s hard, because I don’t want to one jamming their penis inside of you with no warning. So go
be a tease, because I don’t want to insult him by turning him forth, lust after one another, and indulge yourselves in licendown when we’ve gone this far.” There are so many women tious hedonism. But for fuck’s sake, ask.
at St. John’s that I’ve had this conversation with, who are
For anyone interested in reading more about this subject,
otherwise self-assured and unapologetic, but encounter this Pink Triangle Society will be providing copies of the zine
barricade when it comes to telling a guy they don’t want to Learning Good Consent during Sexual Health Awareness week.
have sex. When we have internalized the message that being
unobtrusive and not being rude are more important than being able to decide when and with whom we have sex, there is *I’ve written this article with very gendered language, because
something horrifically wrong.
the issue is predominantly rooted in gender and the way we’re
Until we manage to eliminate that aspect of society, there’s taught to behave according to our genders. I acknowledge that
a practice that I want to see much more often on campus. In- this behavior is present in dynamics other than the one presentstead of assuming that someone will tell you if they’re uncom- ed here. !
“
�The Gadfly
02
<< In the Fishbowl: An unknown student
prays for inspiration from the fickle Essay
Muses.
>> Essay Season is Upon Us: “Log off
Facebook!” command the Essay Muses. But
to no avail.
The student newspaper
of St. John’s College
60 College Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland 21401
gadfly@sjca.edu
Editors-in-Chief
Danny Kraft
Grace Tyson
Assistant Editors
Nathan Goldman
Ian Tuttle
Layout Editors
Hayden Pendergrass
Amy Stewart
Assistant Layout Editors
Sebastian Abella
Hau Hoang
Jonathan Whitcomb-Dixon
Staff
Jonathan Barone
Robert Malka
Tommy Berry
Sarah Meggison
Melissa Gerace
Charles Zug
Business Manager
Honore Hodgson
Photographer
Reza Djalal
Henley Moore
Contributors
Painter Bob
Alexandria Hinds
Lucy Ferrier
Barbara McClay
John Fleming
Jennifer Shumpert
Moshiko Hamo
!
Founded in 1980, The Gadfly is the student
newspaper distributed to over 600 students,
faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.
Opinions expressed within are the sole
responsibility of the author(s). The Gadfly
reserves the right to accept, reject, and
edit submissions in any way necessary to
publish the most professional, informative,
and thought-provoking newspaper which
circumstances at St. John’s College permit.
Articles submitted will be edited for grammar, punctuation, spelling, and length in
most cases. The Gadfly is not obligated to
publish all submissions except under
special circumstances.
The Gadfly meets every Sunday at 7 PM in
the lower level of the Barr-Buchanan Center.
Articles should be submitted by Friday at
11:59 PM to gadfly@sjca.edu.
Accepted Students Day: An Invitation
> Alexandria Hinds, Admissions, A’10
H
ello Polity!
The Admissions Office will be hosting the annual Accepted Students Day on
Saturday, April 14th. This is a large event which takes place in all major spaces on
campus. It is a wonderful event for the Class of 2016; for some, it is their first experience
on campus, while others are seasoned visitors taking this opportunity to get to know
their potential classmates.
At this point, these students have been bombarded with our stunning new
Admissions Propaganda (worth a look if you were of the brown cover era), they’ve
watched the Virtual Tour videos, and they’ve read the Booklist a thousand times.
They understand the curriculum and our approach to liberal education. They’re on
board with education for education’s sake, and they’re OK answering the question,
“But what do you DO with that?” from well-meaning relatives, neighbors, teachers,
and friends for the next four years. They’re well-read and well-informed about the
academic program.
What they are lacking is exposure to the community that lives and breathes this
program. It is the Polity which makes the Program a reality, and their lack of exposure
to the Polity is precisely what we are trying to address at this event. This exposure is
mutual: while we want the Accepted Students to get a sense of the current Polity, we
want you to get a sense of this class, too. We’d like you to meet these students face to
face, show them around, tell them about your annual essay (which should be done by
then!) and break bread with them. We’d also like to have all the club archons available
for an Information Fair (similar to the All-College Fair in August).
And so, I urge you, comrades and citizens in the Republic, do not let this day’s
distractions become disruptions. Instead, rise up and meet the Class of 2016; welcome
them to the College. Next fall, these students will join you on the quad after seminar,
sing to you at Freshman Chorus concerts, and marvel at the mysteries of the axolotls.
They will inherit The Gadfly and KWP. They will live next door to you, sit next to
you in the All-College Seminar, and come to you for Greek assistance. Don’t wait
until Convocation to feast your eyes upon the inheritors of your legacy. Come to the
Accepted Students Day and help welcome these students and their families on April
14th.
For details, or to volunteer time that day, please contact Alexandria Hinds at 410279-5259, Alexandria.hinds@sjca.edu, or just stop by the Carroll Barrister House. !
�!"#
!"#$%&
On Asking & Responsibility 03
SCI Minutes 04
Klaüs hast Komme 05
Croquet Policies 06
St. John’s College • 60 College Ave, Annapolis, MD 21401 • apr. 3, 2012 • Vol. XXXIII • Issue 20
�
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Title
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<em>The Gadfly</em>
Description
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Founded in 1980, <em>The </em><em>Gadfly</em> is a weekly student publication distributed to over 600 students, faculty, and staff of the Annapolis campus.<br /><br />Click on <strong><a title="The Gadfly" href="https://digitalarchives.sjc.edu/items/browse?collection=16&sort_field=Dublin+Core%2CDate&sort_dir=d">Items in the <em>The Gadfly</em> Collection</a></strong> to view and sort all items in the collection.
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St. John's College Greenfield Library
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thegadfly
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12 pages
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paper
Dublin Core
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Kraft, Danny (Editor in Chief)
Tyson, Grace (Editor in Chief)
Title
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The Gadfly, Vol. XXXIII, Issue 20 [The Badfly]
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2012-04-03
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Volume XXXIII, Issue 20 of The Gadfly. Special issue entitled The Badfly. Published on April 03, 2012.
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Gadfly 33.20
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Annapolis, MD
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St. John's College
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English
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text
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pdf
Badfly
Gadfly
Student publication
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